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Tuesday, 14 August 2007

By the end of my life...

What I really want to be is a walking Swiss Army knife. But a useful one. The problem with Swiss Army Knives is that they have so much potential, but they're never around when you need them, but when you don't need them, they're just everywhere.

Case in point: My horse (well, my hypothetical one, at least) gets something stuck in it's hoof while we're hypothetically out on a hack. A perfect time to whip out my trusty blade, and use the horses hoof picking attachment to heroically dispatch the rogue rock/bit of twig/mine the poor daft mare has stepped on. What actually happens, of course is that while the horse is going crazy-wild with pain, and trampling on every daft old biddy that thinks She can horse whisper it into submission, you realize that you left your 587-function Swiss kit in your other jacket. Bugger. Meanwhile, as She was looking for your packet of fags in your jacket, and going a bit loopy from a nicotine withdrawal, your Sister finds the aforementioned multifunction device and tries smoking the can opener, and dies of blood poisoning because you used the can opener to pick the dirt out from under your toenails last Tuesday. True story. Hypothetically.

What you really need is a Swiss Army knife that will never be parted from your side, with real useful tools. To which end, when the technology becomes available, I want each of my fingers converted to do something other than just holding things.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

  • Right thumb:
    Would make a great bottle opener.
  • Right index finger:
    I'm going to get this finger sharpened, to be used as an offensive weapon, that I can just jab somebody in the heart with if the need arises. Maybe I could have it poison-tipped as well, I haven't decided yet. I'm considering using this pro-actively to kill scallies and smelly old men who hang around Tescos. The way I see it, it's them or me, and with my poison-tipped index finger, chances are, it's them.
  • Right middle finger:
    Screwdriver/egg whisk. It's interchangeable depending on whether I'm making a spice-rack or making a cake.
  • Right ring finger:
    Skeleton key. I always wanted a skeleton key, and if you've got one attached to your hand at all times, you can get into any locked room/car/safety deposit box.
  • Right pinky:
    I'd have extended and straightened so I'd look totally baller while drinking Earl Grey at high-tea. All us English guys drink Earl Grey. It's the law.
  • Left thumb:
    64GB USB Thumb Drive. It detaches, so you can easily steal important documents from unsecured computers no bother.
  • Left index finger:
    Extendable Firewire 2 cable, for interfacing really fast to computers, perfect for one-handed web browsing.
  • Left middle finder:
    I would just have made bigger, for 2 reasons: 1) You can flip people off with style. 2) Girls would love it. Especially if you could hook up some way of converting blood sugar into energy to vibrate it. Yeeeaaahh.
  • Left ring finger:
    Wax crayon. There's never one around when you really need one. Remember those crayons you used to be able to stick all your fingers into different colours and draw crap pictures with? It'd be like that, but attached. It doesn't get better than that.
  • Left pinky:
    Laser spirit level. I'd never actually use it for it's spirit levelling purposes, more for it's blinding purposes (mostly on double-decker buses). In America you could have one of those laser pointer pens, but we're not allowed those in Britain for exactly that reason.
Comments? Suggestions?

1 comment:

  1. Hey Rufus,

    Your blog does make me laugh.. How's life in UK?
    My new mission is to make my blog as funny as yours :)

    un beso