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Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Surviving like a Refugee, Part II

Well, I'm still alive. Just. I figured that the best plan of survival last night was to curl up into a ball and try and go to sleep - that way I'm using as little energy as possible. My stomach has started making noises like a dolphin on acid. It's a little disturbing. My head has started to feel like rhinos are holding a knitting class inside it, and not in a good way.

So anyway, I'm lying there, being all energy efficient and stuff, trying to go to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about how ethical it would be to eat someone. Then Ben finally gets back.

"Oh Hi Fus, this is Erica"
"I don't care about that. Did you get some milk?"
"Dude, no I went and watched a basketball game in LA"

In any other circumstances, I'd be over the moon, but this is life or death here. I don't know what the longest anyone has survived on dry Cheerios for but I'm guessing probably only about an hour or so. Sensing that sleep wasn't all Ben & Erica had in mind (ie. because it was Ben, with a girl who had a pulse), I got ready to go sleep on the couch downstairs.

"Dude, it's ok, don't move, we're going straight to sleep"

So I tried curling back up into the HELP position and going back to sleep. After about 0.5 seconds I hear the unmistakable sounds of lips on lips. Just because I'm trying to stay alive doesn't mean that my last moments on Earth have to be socially awkward. I got up to go again, to the same protests from Ben, I was like "like I'm going to lie there while you two play tonsil tennis all night" - I mean, what does he want me to do, join in?

Anyway, Ben went to work this morning before I got chance to mention to pick up some milk again, but luckily, panic has been averted - Jess and Erica (The roomie, not the tonsil equivalent of Martina Hingis) came back and fed me Burritos. It's amazing how much easier to stand up it is without feeling faint after you've eaten :)

Nutrients without due care and intent.

You know how it is. You're stuck in a house 6 billion kilometres (miles) from the nearest shop (grocery store) with no car (automobile) to get you there. And there's no food in the house (edifice). Apart from Cheerios.

Not that I have anything against Cheerios, especially since they're honey Cheerios. But I don't have any milk (Lactaid). I just can't help feeling like I'm eating someone elses food if I eat them without milk. Anyway, it got to the point where I was so hungry I was thinking about eating stuff that's not strictly edible. I got bored of the toothpaste after half a tube, but found it went down easier when I used washed it down with water (Arrowhead) from the tap (faucet). Luckily, Cheerios are blessed to be fortified (strengthened) with between 6 and 7 vitamins (viyyyytamins), so if I eat these now hopefully there'll be at least enough sustinance (good shit) contained within to keep me going for a little bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. Then I'll start on the jacuzzi (hot tub) chemicals (good shit).

Friday, 9 February 2007

Imminent Biscuit Disaster.

I'd just like to draw your attention to a very real problem. A lot of of our many and varied valued friends in the States are unaware that elsewhere in the world, the culinary treats they call "cookies" are actually almost direct descentants from the english "biscuits".

However, don't let appearances fool you, they look nothing alike. If anyone would like to know the full list of differences between biscuits and their illigitimate retarded bastard 2nd cousins sons (twice removed) send a stamped, self-addressed pigeon to the Biscuit Appreciation Society Total American Awareness Division (BASTAAD), Los Angeles California, 90946.

But that's not why we're here. For a long time now, the English have treasured the McVities Digestive Biscuit as a true part of their heritage. With its rich, oaty, taste and unexplainable laxative powers over those suffering from constipation, the Digestive has long been a staple in the biscuit world.

Unfortunately though, it's days are numbered.

Due to increased competition from new contenders on the biscuit scene (the infamous Jacob's Smiley Faces being a noteable thorn in the Digestive's crown), McVities has decided to change the size and shape of the digestive, to make it more "trendy" and appeal to a new generation of biscuit eater and dunker alike. Whilst their intentions might seem perfectly benign, this decision has far-reaching consequences in the biscuit world, these effects will cascade down the biscuit heirarchy, eventually affecting even the cookie, causing chaos and panic around the world:..

  1. Many people do not realize, but all other biscuits size is based on the McVities digestive. Behind closed doors in biscuit factories, a biscuit's size is measured as multiples of a digestive. Thus a Jammy Dodger is 0.6md and a standard American cookie (all other states besides Texas) 1.2md. Changing the standard means that all other biscuits will have to follow suit. This increased size will  mean that supermarket shelves will simultaneously look over-stocked whilst they are, in fact carrying less produce. Because of this, less people will be able to purchase biscuits before the shelves become empty. Empty shelves is bad for business, and many fear that most of the larger supermarket chain stores will close their doors within 2-3 weeks for this very reason.
  2. Currently, digestives are made by underage dwarves in third world countries, who work for the scraps of food that sweatshop children leave on their plate (Because their mothers never told them to eat their greens). The larger size will mean that not only will these dwarf workers lose their jobs to real people because they will be unable to handle the bigger biscuits, but the biscuits will become more expensive as a direct result of this. Remember: hiring underage dwarves in third world countries means that McVities can pass on the savings to YOU!
  3. By changing the standard size of biscuits, all biscuit recipes will simultaneously change proportions, meaning that old people (who need to bake biscuits in order to survive) will start baking "duff batches" all over the world. These inedible monstrosities are low in the nutrients that old people need to survive the test of time, and many diabetic sufferers could find themselves slipping into an insulin-induced coma whilst on their electric buggies - causing road traffic accidents in OAP residential areas around the world.
From here on in, it's only a matter of time before society as we know it collapses around our very ears. If we act now we can save the McVities Digestive, and with it, our lives, homes, and freedom (along with old people, third world dwarves, and constipation sufferers worldwide). Educate the youth of today about biscuits, and perhaps we can live in a safer tomorrow.