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Tuesday, 25 November 2008

More daft searches

I think I've lost all confidence in the human condition. When you see some of the things people type into Google, there's absolutely no way you can retain hope. Here's some more things people have typed into Google, and ended up on my little corner of the internet (These are all real search terms from the last month):

  • naked girls on tractors
    Still the most searched for term that gets people to my blog. Google AdSense recommends I monetize these clicks.
  • ugly dogs
    Useful for distracting people from your ugly girlfriend.
  • how to wear a hat
    On your head.
  • moby the cat
    Moby has a bigger following than me, it seems.
  • shiiiiiiiiiiiit
    I know my blog is crap, but there's no need for that.
  • "fat friend syndrome"
    My blog is the font of all DSM-IV knowledge on this subject.
  • "women and technology don't"
  • 25 miles from home
    The song would have been a lot less catchy if Edwin Starr had joined the metric revolution, and called it "40.2336KM From Home".
  • baby yellow shoes
    The same as other baby shoes, now with 30% more yellow.
  • can you use control vinyls on tractor?
    As far as I know, there's no vinyl controlled farmyard equipment available yet. Although, I'm as interested as anyone else to see what the Stanton/John Deere partnership will bring.
  • drunk girls at hen nights getting fucked
    Part of me wants to search for "naked hen party on a tractor getting fucked by ugly dogs in yellow shoes" to see if I'm top of the list, but I'm too scared to do it, just in case I am.
  • egg chairs
    Sunny side up, or over-easy?
  • explicit clean itunes podcast
    You might want to see a therapist if that's the kind of porn you're looking for.
  • get around myspace
    Just don't go there, sorted.
  • ghetto yellow shoes
    The perfect gift for the skanky crack whore in your life this Christmas.
  • how to make sugarpaste shoe
    I still don't get it?
  • how to wear tour hair with a hat
    I believe the traditional way is underneath it.
  • i found a place where we go
    You found a place, and yet you're still searching. My heart weeps for you.
  • make shoes from computer
    All the sweat-shop kids are doing it.
  • mcjim
    Now you're just putting words in my mouth.
  • mcvities as a laxative
    I've often felt one of the areas this blog really lacks is more in-depth analysis of the laxatative effects of McVities biscuits.
  • meaning behind yellow shoes
    Hands off my existential quandry! Go find your own!
  • memory stick for girls

    available now direct from the Ruforia store, in a range of attractive girly colours and styles, from Agressive Nutmeg, through Petulant Birch, to Emo Ebony. From just 49.99E, inc. P&P.
  • motivational poster dart board
    "Believe you're the dart, not the board"
  • naked indian blog
    If an indian doesn't have enough money for clothes, how's he going to afford an internet connection?
  • naked with yellow shoes
    It happens to us all, from time to time. Send pictures.
  • rufus white, gilera
    My Googly senses tell me a Gilera is an Italian scooter. I don't think I've ever ridden one, or how someone came to be searching for me in a juxtaposition to one.
  • podcast tagging itunes yellow
    Ah, I think your problem might be you've downloaded JaundiTunes by mistake. Easily done.
  • shoe turn yellow how to
    Wax crayons.
  • shoes promoting
    Would shoes benefit from promotion? Most people are aware of shoes already, to the point where I believe there's a saturation point in the shoes market. Although women are determined to make sure the manufacturers don't buckle under in the economic crises.
  • shoes spain
    Very much like shoes from the rest of the world, only more Spanish.
  • ugly yellow dogs
    According to Google Analytics, ugly dogs are my "thing". Figures. To Google Analytics, I say: You don't even know me, I'm more of a cat person.
  • what do you understand about electronic money? give examples
    I understand I need more of it. eg1. I want to buy an electronic woman with my electronic money, but I can't, because I don't have enough.
  • what does it mean when you dream a man gives you yellow shoes?
    That you need to find a man who's not colour-blind?
  • why do shoes turn yellow
    Because you wax crayoned all over them (see above).
  • wierd naked
    I hoped you wouldn't notice.
  • you tou rucksacke
    I'm... confused.
  • what to wear with yellow shoes
    It's a scientifically proven fact that nothing looks good with yellow shoes. If you're attractive. If you're unattractive, wearing just yellow shoes won't help your cause (see: naked with yellow shoes).
  • yellow shoes symbolic meaning
    You're one of these people who has to find meaning in everything. What's the symbolic meaning of a toilet roll? What's the symbolic meaning of the HP 38XRP2100 All-in-one scanner/printer/fax/copier/dildo? I don't know. Do I care? No. Just keep doin' yo' thang,  HP 38XRP2100, ignore the hataz.

Future ex-wives.

Everyone has a "list". Even people in relationships (although they might not admit it). Since I was thinking about getting myself an imaginary girlfriend anyway (and maybe one day we'll settle down, and she'll be my imaginary wife), I might as well make her an attractive imaginary girlfriend while I'm at it. Here's the imaginary options. Incidentally, if you are one of these women, and you're feeling at a bit of a loose end one day, and want to see if you're as good in real life as you are in my mind, drop me a line.

Avril Lavigne
I know, I know, and it almost hurts, but Avril's been on the list for a while. A long while. I don't even know why. I think it's because her music has that "so crap it's good" thing that you nostalgically yearn for after you leave school.
Kiera Knightly
I think would make a great imaginary girlfriend, with the added bonus that you wouldn't have to spend that much on (imaginary) groceries.
Thirteen, from House
I know she's a fictional character, but I'm just as good at imagining fictional girls as I am at imagining real life girls, if not better. Incidentally, Cameron from House used to fill this space, but she's sold out and gone blonde now. Her loss.
Besides, ecstacy fueled, bisexual bed scenes are healthy for the imagination.
Daphne, from Heroes
For some reason, I keep imagining her in "She's all That" doing the Rockafella Skank at the end of the film. But really fast. Like when you're watching porn Youtube videos, and your computer skips a few frames, then goes really fast to catch up.
Rachael McAdams
But brunette Rachael McAdams. She makes me want to plan a heist. Just so I can pull out a big sheet of A0 paper with "HEIST PLANS" written in big letters at the top, really. A0 paper kicks ass.

What does this tell us? Well, first of all, this shows that I have a severely overactive imagination. Boob size doesn't seem to be an issue when considering a prospective imaginary girlfriend, but cute face is definitely where it's at. Interestingly, none of them have red hair, apart from in my mind. The one thing that ties all of them together really is they all have quite big foreheads (Rachael McAdams technically has a fivehead). I'm kinda ok with that, because one of my dreams has always been to have a girlfriend who's forehead I could project IMAX movies onto.

I still have an issue with which one I should settle down with though - at the moment I'm imaginary dating all of them, I love them all so much but in different ways. I think I'll have to use my patented Bacon Buttie test to see which one I should pick - ie. whoever makes the best bacon buttie can have me exclusively (imaginarily).

Sunday, 23 November 2008

'Leccy is hard to come by, round these parts.

Some mad Argentinians have bought the bar next door to my house, and as only Argentinians can, they've been working 24/7 for the last couple of days to try and get the place open and money in the till for some time last year. 

That in itself, I have no problem with, but they've just started using some crazy power tools that keep making my switch box do funny things, like turn all the electric in my house off. A lot. 

I'd be formulating a battle plan right now, but you don't want to piss Argentinians off. Nooo nononono. I can live without electricity if it means actually living, although I'm not sure a life without the internet actually constitutes living. 

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Simply Rediculous

I love it when you get guys in souped up cars driving past, with the gayest music possible blasting out of the windows. Just now the biggest, most baller Hummer in the world - blacked out windows, rims, the works - just drove past, blaring Simply Red - Stars out at an insane volume. My mind is still processing this. I'll get back to you when I've come up with a conclusion. 

Friday, 21 November 2008

I'm seldom dead (yet).

Ok, well, I had my eye test. The good news is that my eyes are still the same withered stumps at the end of my ocular nerves they were two years ago, they haven't got any worse. 

The better news is that despite not speaking any english (perhaps for the better), the optemetrist wasn't a wrinkled pervy old hag-man, neither was she so hot that I nearly had her eye out (see previous post). In fact, she was just the right amount of cuteness for an optometrist. Cute enough that I felt comfortable telling her random letters from a board at the other end of the galaxy, but not so hot that I felt the need to rearrange the letters into haiku's about how shaggable she was. Not that it would have made any difference, what with the no hablar ingles situation that was going on. Even the chair was more Sloggi than Anne Summers. Every little bit helps. 

I think she was actually quite into me - she said she was going to call me, and we had some great eye-contact going on. 

Game on for cute Spanish Sloggi optometrists.

If I don't make it out alive, I'm probably dead.

I'm scared. Well, I'm always scared. But today, I'm more scared. Today I have an eye test. In Ibiza. 

For those fortunate enough to have perfect vision, I envy you. You'll never have had to endure the terror that is the eye test. An eye test is bad enough in english. There's 2 ways an eye test can go in England:
  • Some reeking old giffer will drag you into a broom closet, where he'll stick needles in your eyes and affront you physically and nasally. He'll deluge you with a million pictures, and then bring one single image to crystal clarity... and beyond. Usually, the perverted old fart will try and take advantage of the fact that you can't see anything, and are bewildered and confused in a darkened room by asking you to identify objects from across the room: 
    "Can you see what this is?"
    "HAHAHAHAHAHA! And what's this?"
    "An.... egg?"
    "I'll give you a clue, it's either a spoon, or the Gobi Desert."
    "A spoon?"
    "FOOL! I tricked you! It's a double-decker bus! Ok, this next one is either my penis, or a Cornish Pasty, which is it?"

    You get the idea. This guy will end up suggesting a pair of gold-rimmed specs twice the size of your head look great on you. 
  • On the other hand, you'll get some mega-hot-and-knows-it optomotrist. She'll lead you into a room that's hotter than the Sun, and sit you in a bondage chair. You have two choices: Leave your jacket on, and burn to death, or take it off and risk exposing the massive boner you're carrying around. She dims the lights to something more romantic. The conditions are perfect...

    Just so you know, from my experience, these things never work out like porn, which is a shame, cos I could think of some great positions with that freaky chair. You leave with blue balls and the means to see them clearly.
Either way, you're going to end up pretty scarred for life. On top of this, the optometrist literally holds the keys to your life in their hand: On their whim, they can make you a social outcast for the next year by suggesting a pair of glasses that will make you look like Salman Rushdie having an allergic reaction to getting stung in the eye by a jellyfish. Or they can suggest something nicer, that pushes you to the outskirts of social acceptability. "But it's your choice, surely??" I hear you say. Oh no, these guys are totally skilled in mind manipulation techniques. They'll use phrases like "These ones make your nose look smaller" and "Have you ever thought about plastic surgery?" to make you choose the glasses they want you to wear. Trust me, don't get on the bad side of an optemetrist. You'll be broke and looking like an aged hooker going for the pity vote within a week. As you can see, somehow, I've managed to get on the bad side of several optometrists in my lifetime. 

So as if that wasn't bad enough, I'll be having my eye test here in Spain. I booked an appointment at one of the Dr. Mari opticians in Ibiza town. There's over a billion Dr. Mari's in Ibiza town, and I'm not sure which one it is I booked myself in at now. All the glasses in there look a bit mental, and it looks like I'm going to have to revive my Dame Edna Everedge look in order to make it through the next year alive. But the biggest kick in the balls is going to be that the eye test is going to be in Spanish. I can see this being a bit hard, so I've swatted up on some key questions they might ask me, just so I can try and get through this ordeal in one piece:
  • ¿Qué es más clara, un presente, un presente o?
  • ¿Que es un astigmatismo en el bolsillo, o se acaba el placer de verme?
  • Esta es una de Pasty de Cornualles, o mi pene, lo que es?

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Ruforia: Global Bag

Well, another season here in Ibiza is well and truly at an end, and I thought it'd be good to make a mix of all the tracks I've been totally hammering (maybe a little bit too much lol) this season down at Coolture Cafe. I've been feeling really happy this year, because there's been so much good House Music around, unlike last year when everything seemed to sound exactly the same. 

So this mix is there's absolutely no story behind this mix, it's just straight-up music I've been loving to pieces this Summer, strung together in a way that may or may not mean something to you. Whatever, who cares, just have a boogie :) There's a bit of everything thrown into this one, from the soulful mix of "What is Love?", to the downright deep and dirty grooves of "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine". 


  1. Greenpower - What is Love? (Licious K Mix)
    No head-banging in a Night at the Roxbury stylee to this one, although I can't help but be reminded of that movie every time I hear this track now, this one's been a staple for starting the night off with some great grooves down at the Caf. Just imagine Haddaway took a load of hash browns and helium, and you'd be about there. 
    With: HCCR - I Go Back (Acapella)
  2. A Subliminal classic in it's own right, if I could have found the full acapella anywhere, believe me, I'd have used the whole thing. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. 
  3. Mike Dunn & MD XPress - God Made Me Phunky (HCCR Mix)
  4. Another classic in it's own right, this one gets the Harry Choo Choo Romero treatment. We're taking it back to the mother load, the mother ship. Whatever that means. 
  5. Soundbluntz Feat. Cheyne - (Maybe You'll Get) Lucky (Hatiras Mix)
  6. Cheyne sounds like if you heard her in real life, she'd sound like Karen from Will & Grace, which is one reason I hope I never meet her. Having said that, it doesn't get much funkier than this. This one always made Vicki wiggle her bum whenever I played it, which is a sight I don't think I'll ever tire of. 
  7. Laurent Wolf - No Stress (Original Mix)
  8. Combining some funky piano action with some serious dirt and a shedload of "uughmm!", it was pretty much a given that this was going to make it's way into a Ruforia mix somewhere along the line. 
  9. DJ Nick - Summer Samba (Andy F Mix)
  10. I love the way this one teases you with the Samba De Janerio riff, everyone would always get up and start screaming when they heard those first 3 notes, only to give me evil looks when it dropped back into the beat >:) Mwahahaha. By the time the whole riff comes in finally, there's no point in even trying to contain yourself. 
  11. Macelo Castelli - Zion (Rastafari Mix)
    Another track shamelessly pilfered from DJ Steveboy's GrooveElectric podcast, it's got evil and funk in equal combinations. Add in some Bob Marley, and, well, it's pretty much game over. Just remember to sing along: "Do you do druuuuugs?... I do druggs!"
    With: Trendroid - Rastafari (Distorted Acapella)
    Apparently his name is Rastafari. Who knew?
    The BeatThiefs Feat. Shena - Why Did Ya? (Shenapella)
  12. I love the original Stretch version of this track, but give it a female vocal, stick it to a house beat and look what happens, it's like crazy town out there. 
  13. Juan Morgan & Marcos Rodriguez - Bora Bora (Original Mix)
  14. I've been liking a lot of these wierd tracks with Moroccan sounding leads lately, Bucovina (Chemically Unbalanced), Gypsy (Red Light Mixstrict) and now this. Obviously the inclusion of this track has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Bora Bora is within walking distance from my house (not that it matters anyway, Bora Bora is not the same now Gee is no longer there :( ). Wierd? yes. Dancable? Fuck yes.
  15. Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine (Sander Van Doorm Mix)
  16. Ok, I'll admit it, the whole mix up until this point has been pretty much working up to this track. Quite possibly the track of the season. And then some. I can't help but make gutteral noises when that synth drops in. As if the groove wasn't good enough already, the vocal is amazing. One of the first house tracks I ever owned was Sia's "Drink to Get Drunk", which I still play to this day, it's nice to know that she's not lost her touch. 
  17. Mark Knight, Adam K, Soha - From the Speaker (Original Mix)
  18. About the only great track Morillo introduced me to this year, this was about the only track Carmello would turn the volume up to instead of down (fucking Ibiza noise restrictions - who ever heard of such a daft idea?) - that's how good it is. 
  19. Axwell, Ron Carroll, Bob Sinclar - What a Wonderful World (Original Mix)
  20. I've always wanted a house mix of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World", but I think this is about as close as I'm going to get. If I was honest about it, I've probably played this track the least out of all the tracks on this mix, but I think that's only because it's one of those ones where it's got to be exactly the right moment to play it to get away with it. 
  21. Dave Darrell - Children (Original Mix)
    Play the Robert Miles version these days, and either a million candy kids will stick their glowsticks in the air, or you'll get kicked off the decks faster than you can say "Mauro Picotto". Dave Darrell has done a great job of mixing this epic track into something you can enjoy in the company of strangers without fear of getting laughed at. Amazing. 
    With: X-Press2 - Lazy (Acapella)
  22. It's kinda how I've been feeling since the season finished here, but I think these two tracks really work well together :)
  23. Steve Mac - Paddy's Revenge (Club Mix)
    The original loop is taken from a Penguin Cafe Orchestra track called 'Music for a Found Harmonium'. I've loved The PCO ever since Telephone and Rubber Band was used on that 121 advert (now T-Mobile), and I've been wishing for a house mix of at least one of their tracks ever since. Steve Mac has really done a great job here, walking that tricky line between progressive and funky, which can easily go so terribly wrong. 
    With: Bongo Lovers Feat. An-Tonic - Power of Music (Acapella)
  24. Dirty South - The End (Tocadisco Loves Techno Vocal Mix)
  25. Yes, I know, this one should be at the end. Call it irony that its not. Happy now? It actually was going to be at the end, until Obama won the election, Ruforia got all political, and this happened:
  26. House Music United - Yes We Can (Original Mix)
    If the hairs have not been standing up before this point, they will for this one. What's in store for us under and Obama leadership, who knows, but one thing's for sure, He's pretty inspiring. 

Asian fantasy? Or just a little bit Asian creepy?

This ad seems to have been following me around the internet for the last few weeks. Every time I see it, my brain does wierd things. I'm tempted to click it, but I'm not sure I want to find out how far this Asian rabbit hole goes (do they have rabbits in Asia?). 

Let's say, hypothetically, I click it. I join this site. First of all, it's going to be a logistical nightmare, marrying 6000(+!) Asian girls, have the makers of this site thought that through? Also, 6000+ is a lot of Asian girls for anybody (even me), is there a returns policy in case I don't like some of them? Can I share the love and send some to friends and relatives as birthday and Christmas presents? I know a few guys who'd probably appreciate a couple, maybe a few Asians under the tree this Xmas. 

But the other, far bigger problem, is this: The Asian girls might be ready for marriage, but what if I'm not? Can't we all get to know each other a bit before steaming forward into a whole great big pile of marriage? Are there no Asian girls looking to just fool around a bit, I mean, this is all going so fast isn't it? I have problems remembering what "Noodles special 3 delicious" is at my local Chinese (and I'm not even sure that's written in proper chinese), how am I supposed to remember 6000+ Chinese names?

On the other hand I could train them all up in Kung Fu (most of them probably know it already, from what I've seen in the movies), and have an almighty army of Kung Fu wives that look great in vinyl and schoolgirl outfits. Just remember to not get on their bad side.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

The House That Jack Built

Just finished a new track - have a listen and tell me what you think! It's not levelled or mastered yet, but I'll keep you updated :) 

The sample is taken from the Arethra Franklin track of the same name. Get those old skool organs in you, Arethra (ew). 

Friday, 11 July 2008

Spain: Your (Electronic) Money Not Welcome Here

Bills are an evil that we've all got to deal with, so when you get one, you'd think it would be in the issuing company's interests to make it as easy to pay them as possible.

In Spain, though, if they had their way, we'd be paying for bills using bushels of corn, with an enforced dress code. Not one company here (Water, Electric, Telephone, whatever...) seems to want to join the information age and let you pay your bills using a bank card. What the Fuck??! Every time I get a bill, they expect me to take time off work, walk into town, and pay with cash at the Post Office. I've just had another huge rant at Telephonica over a bill I'm disputing, in the end (because they're threatening to cut me off) I just said "look, can I just pay this now and we'll sort it out later"
"Oh no, you have to take the bill to the post office."
"So what you're saying is that instead of making it easier for both me and you, and letting me give you my money right here, right now, you want me to take this bill to the post office, and take a whole day off work in order to get this sorted out?"
"You, the telephone company, the company that connects each and every bank in Spain, probably one of the biggest companies in Spain, is not able to take a bank card number from me and take the money out of my account"
"No sir." <puts phone down>

I couldn't believe it. Well, actually, I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened before, but this isn't even the first time this has happened. This is now the third time that Telefonica have put the phone down on me whilst trying to deal with a problem like this. It's like they don't want my business! If telefonica wasn't the only company that allowed me to connect my computer to the internet, I'd have switched long ago. I can't even ring a number and complain, because they don't have a complaints line. They literally don't care. And, I suppose, they don't have to. If you don't like their way of doing things, that's cool, but don't expect to get internet any time soon.

So Telefonica... here it is: I hate you. I think you're all a bunch of wankers. I'm using your line right now to tell you this. Wankers.

Sunday, 29 June 2008

I broke my camera. Vive Espana.

- It's a long way down and Spain hasn't invented grass yet.

Like many Britains under the age of 700, I've never been in a country when that country has won the World Cup. 4 hours later, and there's still cars going past my window, beeping their horns, everyone on the street, fireworks going off, and (randomly) a trombone playing.

What this means in real terms to me is that (being the sure-footed mountain goat that I am), I managed to trip over 2 flights of stairs filled with people cheering, nearly crush a 6 year-old (he'll live), and throw my camera (which I'd only gone up the stairs in the first place to collect) onto the hard, unrelenting ground. I rushed to pick it up, and it's poor LCD screen managed to show me it's dying mid-air moments before spluttering, and dying.

RIP Sony the Camera, you will be missed (at least until I get a new Casio).

Ruforia: Non-Distance Relationship

The last mix I did (Chemically Unbalanced) I tried to keep my emotions out of it, as they were (and still are, for the most part) a bit all over the place. Ironically, as a few people pointed out, that's exactly how the mix ended up coming out - a bit all over the place. Perhaps that's a testament that you should never try to create art without emotion, maybe it's not even possible. Who knows, I'm a DJ, not a philosopher.

In this mix, I take the opposite approach - it's an unashamedly cathartic mix for me, a chance to air some emotions. I'm not really sure what the intention behind that is yet, apart from it feels the right thing to do, and because I'm of the firm belief that whilst a picture is worth a thousand words, a song can convey a thousand emotions. I was never good with words anyway.

So this is a mix with a story behind it. It's a story of distances too wide for a relationship to survive, of a breakdown in communication, of stubbornness, nostalgia, hope, love, regret, strained acceptance, of trying to make sense of a million things that just don't make sense and of an unhealthy obsession with House Music. It's a story fit for an opera, or at least a low budget straight-to-DVD Hollywood movie.


  1. Deepsky Feat. Jes - Ghost (Trent Cantrelle & Redanka Mix)
    If I were to pick one track from this mix that perfectly embodied how I feel right now, this would be it. So many amazing lyrics that reach deep to the core, whilst at the same time remaining completely ambiguous. Jes has a voice like Tracy Thorn and Bjork's lesbian love test-tube baby would have (in a good way), and sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

    With: Db Boulevard - Point of View (Acapella Mix)
    Aside from being an outstanding track in it's own right, it sets the scene for the rest of the mix: How it is and how it has to be and trying to show strength where none exists in an attempt to deal with the situation.

  2. Tegan & Sara - Back in Your Head (Josh Harris Mix)
    Born in the ancient fire-mines of Middle-Earth (otherwise known as Canada) as the illegitimate love-child of a dwarf and an elf, Tegan and Sara take the credit for being the only live musical event I've ever attended where a DJ wasn't involved. Shocking, I know. I think I was the only heterosexual in the room as well. Just be thankful I didn't use the Tiesto remix.

  3. Soul Central - I Need You Now (Deep Josh Mix)
    v.10:13 The DJ's Bible: "And lo, by thy third track in thy mix, thy will'st have achieved a level of energy so potent that Felix Da Housecat will have kittens"

    So it is, and so it shall be. Felix was unavailable for comment after the birth of what are reported to be twins.

  4. Kemal Feat. Foxxee - City Street Walkin' (Main Mix - Rufus's Re-edit)
    Let's let that energy dip for a second, otherwise we'll burn ourselves out before the end of the mix. Ever since I first heard Graham Sahara drop this track over the Winter, it was destined to find its way into a Ruforia mix. That piano, that groove, that sentiment, I think we can all relate in one way, or another.

  5. Everything But the Girl - Missing (CL McSpadden Unreleased Power House Mix)
    I can't think of any other track off the top of my head that glorifies stalking using public transportation, so kudos for that Tracy. Everything else is pretty self-explanatory.

  6. Hagenaar & Albrecht - What Would We Do (Original Mix)
    The main ingredients are all here already: We've had the piano, the soul, the groove and the passion, all that's missing in this mix is some sista diva to tell us how it really is. You may have been told that Diva house died and left us in 2004. Who told you that? Did STEVE tell you that?

  7. No Tone - Down Down Down (Matthias Mix)
    1 minute and 12 seconds after I first heard this track, it was in my collection and begging to be included in this mix. After deliberating for a lengthy 0.5 seconds (I didn't want to seem too keen), I begrudgingly agreed to letting it take me out for an expensive meal. It was such an amazing track I put out on the first date. I feel so dirty.

  8. Jason Rooney & Nello Simioli - Without Me (Original Mix)
    I don't know if there's many tracks in the "Celtic House" genre, maybe there's a whole underground movement devoted to it, with clubs called things like "Henge". And if not, WHY not? I'd dig out my Afro Celt Sound System back-catalogue to play there, no bother.

  9. Axwell & Sebastian Ingrosso Vs Salem Al Fakir - It’s True (Axwell & Sebastian Ingrosso Remix)
    The mix has reached it's sentimental, nostalgic peak right here. If this track doesn't give you warm, fuzzy feelings, you're probably dead. You should get yourself to a doctor. I remember playing this track at a house party as the sun came up over Ibiza castle, and everyone hugging each other. It doesn't get better than that.

  10. Stefan Gruenwald Vs Jerry Ropero - Let Me Be Your Fantasy (Jerry Ropero Remix)
    Now we've got those fuzzy feelings out of the way, it's time to examine what else is in my big pot of emotions. Dark, sexual, dirty, and yet uplifting, this track is like naked bungie jumping while covered in chocolate body paint with the lights turned off..... I imagine. The original was one of the first tracks I ever bought on vinyl, read into that what you will.

  11. Fragma - Toca Me (Deadmau5 Mix)
    Stop dancing and close your eyes. Nothing more needs to be said. Mostly because you'll have a hard time reading it with your eyes closed.

    With: Fatboy Slim - Song For Shelter (Acapella)
    When I first heard this track, I found it annoying. What the fuck was this guy on about? The album ("Halfway Between the Gutter and The Stars") sat doing nothing for many months after I first heard it, until one day after my first experience with pills, I rediscovered it, and suddenly everything became crystal clear. In 11 minutes of musical genius, Mr. Norman Cook has single-handedly summed up the experience of that night, of being part of that community. Perhaps it should be required listening for politicians, I think the world would be a better place for it. I can't pretend to be able to do the original justice in any way, shape or form, so I'm not going to try, just enjoy the message for what it is.

  12. Johan Gielen - Revelations (Original Mix)
    Dutch sounding name? Check.
    Ambiguous Title? Check.
    Pulsing bass-line and synthy pads? Check.
    Yes, all the signs add up, and I can see what you're thinking, and it's creating big, awkward silences between us all, so I'm just going to clear the air and put this out there. Yes, technically, this track is trance. I'm sorry. Now let's try and forget about that (and the fact that this is the same guy that produced the "Alice Dee-Jay" tracks, which I'm sure he wants to forget too... Actually, thinking about it, he probably doesn't, the Dutch have no shame when it comes to music), and get on with appreciating this track for what it really is: A beautiful track, that's full to bursting with emotion. I shamelessly pilfered this from Steve after hearing it on his GrooveElectric Podcast, and have not stopped playing it since. Sorry, Steve. Maybe we're even after the whole Diva house thing now.

    Just so you know - never ever ever ever watch the video to this track. Your senses will disown you. From the visuals to the cringe-worthy vocals, it's an affront to everything good about this track. Trance has moved on a lot in the last few years, hey?

    With: Fatboy Slim - Song For Shelter (Acapella)

    DJ Dove - Memories of Love (Acapella)
    You need something to sum up your mix, to finish it off, and this one does the job perfectly I think.

Tuesday, 8 April 2008


Moby's back!! Woo Woo! I'm so happy :D He was a little bit mucky, but alive and well, and that's all I can ask for :) I went out and bought him Eroski "Experience" Tuna and Chicken cat food, and he liked it a lot.

Now I know what it feels like to be a parent that's lost their child. Man, that was totally stressful!

Monday, 7 April 2008


Aggh! Not only have I lost my girlfriend, but my cat has gone missing too! Moby Moby Moby, where are you??? The streets of Ghetto D'en Bossa have been ringing with his name as I've been hunting for his little cute features all day. I've got the whole street on Moby alert.

I thought I saw him earlier on the roof outside my flat in the semi-darkness, but no, it was his psychotic mother, taunting me with her stripyness.

Aida (the wee girl who lives in the block next door, who's been teaching me rude Spanish words) told me something in Spanish about him earlier, and pointed towards the hotel behind my house, but the only word I could understand was 'listo' (ready).

Tomorrow I'm going to put some signs up around the place, and have another hunt for him, until then the smallest sound that might or might not be his little miow will continue to send me rushing to the window to see if he's back.

Moby, please come back! I know I told you the other day that that poo you did was quite possibly the stinkiest thing I've ever seen, but I'll let you off next time I promise!

Monday, 31 March 2008

Everywhere you go... there you are.

How does something that on paper seems so right, simultaneously feel so wrong? Having said that, how, given 2 choices, do I always end up choosing the wrong one? Is it just me, or is the whole of mankind fatally doomed to make these same mistakes? Will there ever come a time when I can confidently delete David Gray from my music collection, knowing that I'll never need his services again?

Let me back up a bit. Last week, things seemed to be working out for me. I was finally back home in Ibiza, my flat is in the process of being plastered so it no longer looks like a backdrop for Armageddon, I've got a few gigs leading up to the start of the season, and there's design work flooding in thick and fast. The whole mess with Dad back home has finally been sorted out, with him now legally not allowed back in the house. In fact, the only thing that's not perfect in the world of Fus is that Marisa is 6000 miles away back in LA.

Having a long distance relationship is not easy at the best of times, and when you factor in 9 time zones worth of difference, and the fact that you've seen each other 24/7 for virtually the whole of the previous year, things start to get really hard.

Under these circumstances, I become crap. I mean really crap. Whereas when Marisa was with me, I could have a conversation and keep it up for a bit (I'll not profess to be the best conversationalist in the first place), when faced with astronomical distances, and an unknown time span before we'll next meet, I just seize up. All I can think is "I love you" and "I miss you", and before you know it, I'm avoiding her instant messaging conversations for fear of boring the tits off her.

So.. eventually it came. I had a feeling it would. And yet I did nothing to stop it. WHY??

The email saying that I've been crap at communicating, and that Marisa has no intention of coming back to Ibiza, and where is this relationship going? Is it a relationship if neither of us are prepared to live where the other does? She's right, of course, I have been crap at communicating, and we have barely spoken since she's been back home. For that, I'm sorry.

I end up staring at the email on screen for about 5 hours. I knew it was coming, and yet nothing could have prepared me for each and every word slicing through my heart like a dagger. Practically everything that was in that email, I agreed with, and yet my instinctive reaction was to fight it. Here in front of me, ASCII text was ending a chapter of my life, and all I can do is dumbly hit reply and seal my fate.

So is this it? Over a years relationship over just like that? A million conversations, a thousand "I Love You's", a billion thoughts of the other person culminated and encapsulated by 2Kb of text? And even though I still love her totally and without question, there's not a single thing I can say against it. If she doesn't want to live here in Ibiza, and I can't live there in LA, what are we going to do? What can you do other than the fair thing and let each other get on with their lives? Am I ready to get on with my life?

It's easy, retrospectively, to look back and think how stupid you'd been. I had this dream in my head that I'd get the flat ready before Marisa came back over, and we'd live happily with our wee cat round the corner from the beach. But really, thinking about it realistically, what is there for Marisa here? There's no Marisa music, no Marisa bars, no Marisa people, no Marisa food. No wonder she hated it.

So given the current situation, the only right thing seems to let it go. We helped each other through a lot of shit. We had a lot of good times, and not many bad. Seemingly, the only things stopping us having a perfect relationship are 6,000 miles and my inability to say anything of any remote interest to her ridiculously clever brain.

I can only hope that one day this island releases it's grip on me, and I'm able to function as a normal human being somewhere where she is too. Until then, everything I see and hear seems to continue to remind me of her... fragments of Tegan and Sara songs, every time one of her millions of pictures appears on my desktop, a memory of how I used to look into her eyes and feel her crazily brilliant mind ripping my soul bare... and thinking that's all I ever wanted.

On paper, the list of things in my life I always imagined would make me happy are nearly complete... House by the beach, an island full of free and easy people, house music, our cat, and Marisa. Now none of it means anything because I'm crap and she hates this place. How can you possibly have some kind of resolution from this situation? I never stopped loving her. She's not dead. She wasn't a bitch to me. Suddenly... she's just not there any more, except in a sepia memory of our relationship constantly looping in my head.. taking MDMA at Ben's house... a diagram showing the relationship of hot chocolate and.... something... a mattress on the floor of Moby's. Watching House... Walking to Bora Bora... A 90km taxi ride out of Granada. Chipping paint off the walls... Did I just make all that up? Where did it come from? Where did it go? I can only take heart from the fact that I don't regret a single moment of it, and I loved her for every single second we were together, and that I tried to be the best boyfriend I could be. I'm sorry that turned out to be not enough. I love you Marisa Prietto, x.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Happy New... oh... wait... umm..

So it's been a while since I posted last, and I'm feeling a little guilty about it, because I've been doing so much, but just not had chance to write. I thought I'd start the new year with a quick run-down of some stuff I've been up to since my last post, after that I'll just ad-lib until I get bored. You'll be bored way before that, so by that point it won't matter. I'll litter this post with pictures to help those who can't read good (and maybe want to do other stuff good, too).

In my last post, I was back in Ibiza, and continuing to be an international menace to ugly dogs everywhere. Don't ask me why, these things are important to me. The sad thing was, for the whole 2 and a half months that me and Marisa were there, it pretty much pelted it down, and most of the time the weather was worse than if we'd have stayed in England.

Luckily the rain cleared up a bit while my Mum and Sister visited, which gave us and excuse to rent a car for the week, and get around the island a bit more than what I normally do.

Harriet (Chesty La Spew), Alice (Wee in Wonderland), Marisa (Yellow Pages), and the Mother Fus on Sant. Salinas Beach.

Es Vedra

The Church/Library at Sant. Miguel

The caves at Sant. Miguel

After they went home, it went back to pretty much business as usual, although of course things picked up for Krystle's birthday, which in Ibicencan circles is well known as a poor excuse to go to Ancient People (possibly one of the best curry houses on the face of the Earth, and that's coming from someone who was born in Bradistan) followed by a long bout of getting well and truly fucked up at Sid's new bar, Blu. It's not everyone who get's to have their own private party at an Ibiza club DJ'd by 3 internationally renowned DJ's. And me.

My story is that they warmed up for me, and I'm sticking to it.

"I've got the Key, I've got the Secret, I've got the key to some seriously cheesy old-skool anthems

Professional Argentinian bubble-blower.

Sharon encouraged us all to party responsibly. Presumably so there would be more for her.

Anton cooks up the old-skool, while Jimmy does something involving Glee, Scottishness and Shiftiness (some may argue that those two are much the same thing).

DJ Toga - one half of the Girls Skool dream team.

DJ B Fly. Reeeeeeewind selectah! Bo Bo Bo! And all that Jazz.

After playing at Krystle's party, Sid asked me to play at Blu every week, which has been really fun, and following this, the owner is trying to get me a regular slot on Spanish radio station, Sonica. Hopefully I won't have to speak too much Spanish, as this could make things a little tricky :s.

I also attended my first lesbian wedding reception. Angie and Jo from the Queen Vic (next door to our flat in Ibiza) finally tied the knot, and had a fantastic party near Sant. Antonio. Luckily they chose not to have a DJ (or I think I would have killed someone - I've done far too many wedding receptions in my time), choosing instead to have an amazing singer while everyone got stoned on the roof of the villa.

Cutting the cake.

Scottish people and weed go together like Welsh people and sheep.

Krystle let the rooftop dancing all night, long after all the rest of us had caught pneumonia in the crazy-cold.

For Marisa's birthday at the end of November, Marisa's Dad was nice enough to send us to Granada for some much-needed R+R. He never mentioned that the place he was sending us to was halfway up a mountain 90 miles from anywhere though. Strangely, getting an internet connection halfway up a mountain is no problem compared to trying to get one in Ibiza, go figure. Casa Anna in Pituses (where we were staying) turned out to be absolutely beautiful though, and it was definitely nice to get out of the Moby's flat ;)

A double-decker bus. Just kidding, they're really mountains.

The view outside our window at Casa Ana.

Ana herself. She seemed strangely impressed by our culinary skills. Because of her remote location, little is known as to whether she survived my Chicken Curry.

Pituses. Population: 18.

There were cat-types everywhere, all with nothing better to do than pose for photos.

- See above.

Huge Carpenter Bee-types - I don't know if they stung, but I didn't really feel like sticking around to find out.

The scenery around Granada airport.

The scenery around Manchester airport. Welcome back to the UK.

So... back in Blighty. The only reason for coming back to the UK was really to do some gigs that I'd promised I would over December (all cheesy corporate stuff) - not what I'd really wanted to do, but I'd said I would before I knew any better. Besides, the money was good, and I was good for the money. I finally got my grubby mitts on a Kaoss Pad 3 (I've been working on a website for Maureen, and She wanted to pay me in Kaoss Pad... I tried not to argue too much in case she changed her mind), the only problem was that the power block was rated for US voltage of course, not UK, so as soon as I plugged the KP in, it fried. I nearly stabbed myself with it I was so annoyed with myself. Grrrr. I'm still working out how I can get it replaced without having to shell out too much money (customs already took £50 off me for the privilege of receiving it as a 'gift', bless their hearts, and Korg UK refuse to even let me send it to them, it being a US model).

To console myself, I bought myself a Wacom Bamboo tablet to replace my old Graphire, which lost its stylus many moons ago. The new one feels much nicer, and is twice the size, so I'm very happy about that :)

So... we're into 2008, what's next? Well, tomorrow my Dad will learn of the plot to have him forcibly removed from the family home. Everyone has asked him nicely to leave (for those not in the know, my dad is an alcoholic psychopath with narcissistic personality disorder - seriously, he's a psychiatrist's wet dream), so now Mum's asking for a restraining order from the courts. It's a shame it's come to this, but he won't listen to reason and he's making everyone's life a nightmare, so there's not really any other option any more. When he finds out about it we're predicting temper tantrums, so we're all going to stay with friends for the weekend, until the court hearing on Monday, when he will have to leave the house. We'll be having a huge party on Friday night to celebrate.

Then Saturday will be another weird one for me - I'm going to Scotland for the first time in my life (it's an old school-friend's wedding). The whole weekend is going to be a bit touch-and-go, as on Sunday I fly back home to Ibiza. Of course the wedding had to be not just in Scotland, but pretty much as far North in the UK as you can go without dying of hypothermia in the North Sea (not really my ideal way to die, and yes, I do have one).

Rinse, and repeat ;)