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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Google+ and why I 'like' it.

For the last couple of months, I've been using Google's answer to Facebook, Google+, and while I've yet to get any meaningful number of the people I know using it, I've still had a really rewarding experience with it.

I'll admit right off the bat that I'm a bit of a Google-whore. Whilst some of the services they've introduced have ended up being flops, I've pretty much tried them all, and found them all useful to different extents. I organize my life with Calendar, Gmail takes care of my messaging needs, Feedburner keeps track of my podcast, Blogger lets me share my thoughts with the world, my important documents are all on Docs, and all my pictures have a home at Picasa (not to mention I have an Android phone that lets me get to all my stuff on these services when I'm away from my computer). So when they announced their social platform, it seemed like the final missing piece of the puzzle had been found. Even better: Google seems to be treating it as that final puzzle piece, and slowly, all these services are now being integrated into each other.

I'm not bothered in the slightest by the tech pundits already claiming that Google+ is a dead duck, because Google has not only the power, but the persistence to make it work in the long run. Back when Android was still young, there was a lot of the same words flying around - just look at this one from only 2 years ago, and compare it to the market today, with sales of Android smartphones far in excess of those of the iPhone. If Google uses that same persistence and market power with Google+, then there's no reason why it can't become another valuable service. For me, it's already there.

So, if I've not managed to get a whole load of my mates away from Facebook, and onto Google+, how can it have been such a rewarding experience for me? Because of the difference between the ways that Facebook and Google+ work: To listen to what someone has to say on Google+, you don't need to know them. Facebook puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that if you're friends with someone, then they by definition are friends with you in return. It's a 2-way-street, which means that if someone friends me on Facebook because they want to keep up with my music, I'm also subjected to seeing all their posts in my stream too. Ok, so I can go to their profile and reduce the number of posts from them that I see, but that means I have to be proactive about it. Not only that, but all the posts from everyone in my friends list shows up in one long, disorganized stream. It's not even by 'newest posts' any more (I've given up trying to work out how Facebook organizes my stream these days, which is part of the reason why I've given up looking any more - regardless of how often I check, chances are there's always going to be something important I miss amongst all the "I had toast this morning. lol" posts).

Google+ approaches all this from the opposite direction. If someone wants to follow me on Google+, they're welcome, but I'm not under any pressure to follow them back. They'll see anything I share publicly, but until I add them to my circles, the only way their random ramblings get into my stream is if I specifically look under the 'Incoming' circle. For the last few weeks I seem to have been getting a lot of new people adding me to their circles. Every couple of days I go through the 'incoming' stream to see what they've been saying, and if they have anything interesting/constructive to say, I put them in one of my many circles. The users who are clearly just spamming, I block, so I won't see anything from them again. They can spam all they want, and I'll never see it!

Because I've set up a whole load of circles relating to each thing I'm interested in, I can pick any one of those streams depending on what mood I'm in, and read all the day's posts related to, for example, music production, or Android. Because I'm seeing relevant posts to what I'm actually interested in at that particular moment in time, I'm actually paying attention to what people are saying, and joining in the discussion. Contrast this against the Facebook methodology, where it's rare that I even get to see stuff that I might be interested in because it's lost amongst all the spam and crap that people post, and straight away you can see it's a much better way of doing things.

Through using Google+ in this way, it's put me in touch with a load of really interesting people, who've become active commenters on my posts, and vice-versa. Had these people friended me on Facebook, I would have accepted them (perhaps) if they had mutual friends, or they sent me a message along with the request saying they liked my music or they'd met me at such-and-such a place. Then I would have promptly ignored them unless they got in touch with me directly or posted something on my wall.

Other things I like about Google+:

  • Using it is easy and logical. I don't have to hunt for hours just to find where the button to rotate a picture, or connect my blog has gone. I'm still trying to work out how to connect my blog back to Facebook after they moved stuff around a few years ago. It's still connected to my age-old mySpace blog. Erk!
  • The community - if people have put the work into sorting people into their circles, they're much more likely to be seeing posts that are relevant to what they actually want to look at at that particular moment. Therefore they're much more likely to write something constructive/relevant in the comments than start a mud-slinging match (which I've seen happen on Facebook more than once). 
  • Really long posts/comments, you're not limited to some arbitrary number of characters like Facebook/Twitter.
  • I can edit my posts and comments. Now my typo's and spelling mistakes are finally correctable. 
  • I can make a post sharing more than one photo, without creating an album for them if I want. They all get organized automatically within my Picasa album. 
  • All my photos I take on my phone are automatically uploaded to it. When I get home, they're already there waiting to be edited/sorted into albums. (Although it would be nice if the Picasa desktop software could sync with the 'Instant Upload' folder too).
  • You can edit your photos to a pretty advanced level using the built-in Picnic editor.
  • I have to approve it when someone else tags me in a photo. Suddenly there's no point in people tagging an irrelevant picture with hundreds of people who aren't actually in the picture (spamtagging) just to get me to look at it. If they've shared it with me, I'll see it in my stream if they're in my circles. The bonus is, I can set it to automatically approve tags from people in certain circles (like friends/family).
I'm sure I'll find more, Google seem to be rolling out new features on a weekly basis, without interfering with the existing features (which is more than can be said of Facebook). I can't wait to see what else they come up with!

If you're not on G+ yet, give it a try. As with anything else, the more you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Don't give up on it just because your mates aren't on it yet, set an account up, put a few interesting posts up, and see who else you can find that shares similar views, who knows, you might end up meeting some new people that you would otherwise have passed over on Facebook! And while you're waiting for all your mates to catch up with the cool kids, I'll keep you company over there!

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Christmas in Ibiza

This year has been my the first Christmas I've spent in my adopted homeland of Ibiza, and I doubt it will be the last ;) Being a spiritual, but not a religious person (at least in the Christian sense), Christmas holds a lot of contradictions for me. I love the idea of Christmas in principle, I think it's important to have a time of year when you can get together with family, put your problems and stresses with yourself and others aside, if only for one day, and enjoy your life and family for what and who they are.

Unfortunately, this base idea of Christmas has been transformed in many people's minds by corporations and capitalism into a time of stress, greed, and competition. Every Christmas I spend in England seems to make me feel further and further away from this idea of unconditional love and acceptance that I want to be able to feel from others and give in return. Christmas these days apparently isn't Christmas without a tree hung to the rafters with chintzy decorations, trying to outdo everyone with the best present, the best Christmas dinner, family members getting drunk and arguing about inconsequential nonsense, the order, the tradition, the planning, the excess. We're brought up to feel that without these things, it's not really Christmas. We stress about creating the 'perfect' Christmas, as if it's something that's attainable only by throwing more and more cash and planning at it.

Because of this, I was a little worried about spending Christmas here in Ibiza, away from my family in England. I love my Mum and my Sisters with all my heart, and being away from them for only the second Christmas in my 29 years wasn't really by choice, but through a lack of money and deadlines for work which need to be completed by the new year. It turns out, I shouldn't have been worried though. Like all the best days in Ibiza, Christmas here came together with the minimum of fuss, drama and planning and I couldn't have been happier about it. Because nobody in my Ibiza family has any money right now (it's the middle of the Winter, and with Ibiza being such a seasonal place, most people just work for the 4 months of the Summer, and those that stay for the Winter just 'get by'), there was no exchanging of gifts. There wasn't a tree. There wasn't any snow (I've only ever seen it snow in Ibiza once, and that lasted about 10 minutes). There wasn't any carols. There wasn't any crappy Christmas movies that everyone had seen a million times before. There wasn't a bad word spoken about anyone or anything. But there was love, in abundance.

Because of this, strangely, it ended up being the most Christmassy Christmas I think I've ever had, and I'd like to take this opportunity to bestow a million thanks on my Ibiza family in general, with special mentions going to Sarah for her amazing hospitality and cooking (with help from Joleen). Without these people, I wouldn't still be here on the island. I love you all, and every day that I live here, I'm thankful that I have each and every one of you in my life and in my family. You're my family not through bloodlines, but through choice, and the fact that you could just as easily choose not to include me in your daily lives is reason enough to give thanks. :)

You can see all the photos I took in my Picasa Album.

A quick note about what's going on here...

This year has been a busy one for me, so I apologize for not keeping up with my blogs and letting you know what's going on. This coming year, I'm going to be making a more concerted effort to keep everyone in the loop by updating my respective blogs more often :)

So you know, anything related to my DJing activities will be on my other blog at, whereas I'd like to keep all my personal thoughts, feelings and observations on life and living in Ibiza here on Yellow Shoes.

Many thanks to everyone for their patience this last year, I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas, and I wish you all the best for the New Year :) 

Friday, 20 February 2009

Photographic Memories

This is a soundtrack I'm writing to a photography video a friend of mine in Barcelona is making, so it's not exactly dancefloor oriented! Having said that, I've really liked working to someone elses requirements, rather than my own - I hope you like it :)

I'll post the video when it's done :)

Monday, 9 February 2009

Do Your Own Adventure

This is something I've been working on, I thought I'd share with you - I've been wanting to do a funky piano track for a while now, but I've been hindered by the fact that my piano playing is useless :s .

It's getting there though, a little bit of tightening up with the mastering and I think we'll be there :) Tell me what you think!

The original vocal was taken from Sue Teller (RIP) mashes it up.

Friday, 16 January 2009

I think I've had enough.

I've been stuck in a needy relationship that's not going anywhere. It's just take take take, and I'll be honest, I've had enough. Yeah there's been some good times, but now things are stale. I'm sick of the promises, the glitches, the insensitivity, the assumptions, and the lies. It's not me, it's you. And before you ask, yes, there is someone else. 

Traktor, I'm leaving you. 

For so long, I've put up with your awkwardness, given you all my time, and hoped that one day, you and I would work in perfect harmony. But now, I've given up on that dream. 

The final straw came when I realized that even though I'd put many hundreds of hours into organising my collection, setting cue points, loop points, and beatgridding all my tracks, that none of this could be transferred to Traktor Pro. Not only that, but I'm going to have to change my whole way of working. Again. Traktor 3 was almost perfect the way it was, just a couple of little tweaks here and there, a sampler, and it would have been there. But no, that's not good enough, apparently what we need is a complete overhaul. That in itself, I'd be fine with if it added something to my experience of DJing with it. But instead, things have actually been taken out, rather than extra features added. And that wouldn't be so bad if they weren't features that were actually nessessary to DJ with. 

So now, I face a tough decision. Do I stay with Traktor 3, knowing that how I have it now is never going to progress any further, hoping that one day, Traktor Pro is going to emerge as something actually worth using - in the mean time updating 20k tracks to the new format, just because the developers didn't see the need for their loyal customers to be able to make a seamless transition between the two versions? Or do I head to Ableton, where I'd still have to put in the hours updating my collection, but be able to rest safe in the knowledge that the interface is going to stay familiar for the foreseeable future, and I'll likely not have to do all this work all over again? The reasons for staying with Traktor have been getting less and less clear for me, and with yesterday's announcement of Ableton Live 8, there's now very little that's keeping me using it. I've been toying with my DJ layout for Live for a while now, and every time I have a play with it, I discover new things I can do. With Traktor, I always feel like I'm fighting against the software, rather than working with it. If NI have a change of heart, and start listening to their users rather than dictating to them what they need, my Traktor collection will still be there, but as of today, I'm starting work on getting everything organized in Ableton. 

Monday, 5 January 2009

But will it mix?

So I finally got my new mixer, a Korg Zero 8, and this thing is amazing! For every person with one of these mixers, there seems to be differing opinions, so here's my little review...

I wanted a mixer that had audio channels, but had enough MIDI controls that I could control everything in Traktor from the same unit. Up until now I'd been using a Evolution UC33-e for MIDI control, and a Creative Audigy Notebook ExpressCard for outputting audio. This was a nice compact little setup, but there were a few problems with it - there were a lot of things to plug in, so setting up at a club could take a while. The UC33-e could be unreliable due to a dodgy USB port on the unit, and it kept disconnecting, leaving me with no MIDI control. Having only MIDI control over the mixer section meant there was inherent latency, which made doing quick chops with beats and samples almost impossible. Because I was only outputting 2 channels (master and monitor, with all the mixing handled by Traktor's internal mixer), I could only assign my Kaoss Pad 3 to the master output from Traktor - there was no way I could use it on just one individual channel. 

So my requirements were:
  • A single unit that would handle both audio and MIDI.
  • Simple setup.
  • Ability to send individual channels to the KP3 for sampling and effecting. 
  • Enough MIDI controls to handle Traktor's effects and other functions, so I have to touch the laptop as little as possible. 
Given this, the Zero 8 really became the only choice. The other contenders were:
  • Korg Zero 4 had no effects sends, and not enough knobs for controlling Traktor. 
  • Pioneer DJM800 is limited in it's MIDI controlling, and there's no built-in soundcard, so I'd have to plug a cable in for each channel I'd be using. 
  • Ecler EVO5 looked nice, but again, not enough MIDI controls, and no effects sends. 
  • Allen & Heath X:One 3D was the biggest contender, both in size and features, but a bit out of my league in terms of price. 
I had a lot of problems when initially getting the mixer working with Traktor, first of all, there were no drivers for Vista. I was using the XP drivers in compatibility mode, which would work for a bit, then cut out with loud nasty squeaking coming from the speakers. I was ready to send the Zero back for a refund. Then luckily, a Vista driver came out that day on the Korg Japan site which, after a bit of fiddling, I got working reliably. You can download the Vista driver here

A lot of people have reported hiss with this mixer. I'd heard there was no hiss on the digital SP/DIF output though, and since the mixer seemed right in every other way for me, I thought if worst came to the worst, I'd just buy a convertor, and hook it up to the digital output. As it turns out though, I've not experienced any hiss on any of the channels, so maybe Korg have sorted this problem out. 

Sound quality is fantastic, I wasn't expecting anything phenomenal in this area, but to my ears it definitely sounds a lot less harsh than the Pioneer mixers I'm used to working on. For a digital mixer, it sounds surprisingly warm, with great punch in the lower end - for House music, this is perfect. 

You can pretty much set this mixer up exactly how you want it - there's so many options available, it's incredible. First up, there's about a million inputs, and the rotary dials at the top of each channel let you put pretty much any input into any channel. All the faders have an adjustable curve (not just the crossfader). I use the upfaders for mixing as I use 4 decks, so this was brilliant for me, and something I've not had before in a mixer. I set them up with quite a harsh curve, which I found worked really well with my choppy, "just slam it in" mixing style. There's also a cut/solo switch for each channel, when set to cut it removes the channel from the mix instantly, and spings back to the middle position as soon as you let go, returning the track output to the mix. Pushed in the other direction it latches, and mutes all the other tracks. You can solo more than one track at a time by pushing more than one of these switches upwards. On channels set to MIDI control, these switches send MIDI information, in the neutral position, no data is sent, but different controllers can be selected depending on whether the switch is up or down (so pushing up could control one button in Traktor, whilst pushing down would work a different one. You'll have to make sure you don't need both buttons at the same time though when doing this). On my MIDI channels, I've set this switch to control the 'action' button in BeatMasher, and the Reverb 'Put' button. This allows me to quickly enable the BeatMasher (for short bursts) by pressing down on it, or push it upwards, and holding the effect on (for long mashes, or keeping the reverb turned on while I do something else). 

Any channel can also be used set to send MIDI controller information for all the controls, or even just half the controls, which really gives you a lot of flexibility on how you have everything set up. I wanted to have 4 channels of actual audio for the 4 decks in traktor, rather than having everything controlled in MIDI - I wanted to have no latency whatsoever on the upfaders, and this method also meant by setting the EQs to filter instead of EQ, I can have a filter on every channel, meaning I can reduce my use of Traktor's Filter T2 effect, which was pretty much constantly turned on on all my decks. I then have decks 5-7 transmit MIDI control information. From these channels, I can choose the effect selected for each individual deck, operate the effects, and even control cue points using the A/B buttons above the upfader. Finally, on channel 8, I have the input for the Kaoss Pad. I could have routed this back into the return for EXT1, but this limited me in a couple of ways: There was no easy way to have a single wet/dry control for the KP3 effects - turning up the EXT1 send on the channel all the way to the top would not fade out the 'dry' signal after it got past half way, which was a bit disappointing, and meant that I'd have to work the channel upfader to take the dry signal out of the mix. To get over this, I assign the KP3 input channel to the right side of the crossfader, and any channels I want to wet/dry control to the left side, then moving the crossfader gives me an easy control over how much of the effected signal I have in the mix. Having it set up in this way also means that I can further effect the KP3 signal with the EQs and effects on the mixer itself. Whilst we're on the subject of effects, you should know that the Zero8 doesn't have a seperate effect for each channel like the Zero4 does - instead there's 3 buttons under the screen that let you switch between channel, send and master effects control: 
  • Channel lets you apply the effect to any one channel, and is added post EQ. 
  • Send is applied to any channels that have the "Zero FX Send" knob turned up - this allows you have one or more channels effected, to the level you choose from this knob, and the overall level of the effect is controlled from the knob in the returns section of the mixer. You can choose whether each channel is sent pre or post fader for the send effect, but it suffers from having no ability to remove the dry control of the mix (like the Kaoss pad effects return mentioned above) unless you choose to send pre-fader. 
  • Master applies an effect to the master output, and so effects all channels (and effects returns) currently in the mix. 
This, again, gives you a lot of possibilities, and all 3 options can be enabled at the same time, with different effects selected on each by using the hold button also under the screen. I'm thinking about using this to keep a compressor constantly on my master output (to keep the mixer levels at a more constant level), but I'm still experimenting finding settings that work well for this. It's a shame that there's no way to store favorite effects for instant recall, like you can with the KP3, as searching through the effects with the rotary is not the quickest way to find the effect you need with so many on offer. I would have thought this would be an ideal use for the rotary buttons, as they don't do anything while the screen is in the effects pages. 

The mixer recieves a MIDI clock from Traktor with minimum of fuss (you can set it to recieve MIDI clock over firewire, or via a MIDI cable, make sure you select the right option on the mixer, or risk wondering why it's not working for days like I did), with the added benefit that it send this information on through the MIDI port to the KP3, meaning that the effects and samples on both units are kept in time perfectly with Traktor. 

There's a bank of 8 rotary encoders to the right of the mixer, that can be set up with 4 banks of MIDI controller data. You can also press these encoders down, and they act as buttons. I have these set up to load tracks from the browser in Traktor, and control looping and cuing. One niggle I have with these buttons is that they disable when you select any of the effects on the touchscreen, so you have to select the controller bank above the buttons again to start sending MIDI information again. If you're thinking about using this mixer with Traktor Pro, you should know that these rotary encoders don't work very well with Pro yet, they work fine in one direction, but not the other (NI know about this problem though, so hopefully it will be fixed soon). This also happens under v3.4 for me, but it's fine in 3.2. When you have these controller banks selected, the touchscreen also sends MIDI information, so you could use this to further fuck with the effects in Traktor. 

So on to the touch screen. You use this to choose most of the options on the mixer, and most of these were pretty self explanatory. It lets you set all the fader curves (individually for each fader), as well as things like MIDI clock, what inputs are sent over firewire, and change MIDI note data for the 4 controller banks. By pressing one of the 3 buttons below the screen, it switches into effects mode, and in most cases you use the screen itself to control the effects. This works well enough, but the touch screen is less responsive than the one on the KP3, and about 3/4 of the size, which can make getting predictable effects a fiddly business. Because it's not divided into a grid like the KP3, it can also make it hard to know where to touch the screen to get the desired effect - on the KP3, I have no problem knowing exactly the coordinates to touch in order to get the effect I want. Most of the effects on the KP3 are included, with the exception of the drum machines (which are crap anyway) and the synths (which can be useful in certain situations). You do gain about 20 effects that are knob controlled (using the rotary encoders) rather than screen controlled though, and these include things like delays and compressors, so you have finer control of these effects. The range of effects, covers pretty much everything you'd need, you've got the usual range of filters, delays, flangers, reverbs, some are fairly similar, and only the paramaters changed by moving your finger on the screen are different. You also have a load of effects that'll make things a bit more interesting, like decimators, and tape delays, along with a nice beat looper, that allows you to choose how many beats are looped by pressing the timing boxes on the screen. It's a shame with all this power, that they couldn't have included a proper sampler on board as well, but I have the KP3 for that, so it's not really a biggie for me. 

The mixer itself feels solidly built, although the controls themselves feel a bit plasticy. The upfaders are nice and loose, almost to the point of being too loose, but they have a really smooth feel to them. One of people's biggest complaints with this mixer has been the fiddly knobs. The knobs are very thin, and closely positioned, but I can't see any other way of getting that many controls onto one mixer without making them that small. The knobs have a bit of resitance to them, which is good, but they also wiggle a bit, which makes it feel like they might not last long after a bit of abuse. We'll see how they hold up, as I abuse mixers more than most.

For the record, since this mixer is Traktor Skratch certified, I hooked up my CDJ and tried using it to control the decks in Traktor Pro. After choosing which channel to send the timecode information on it sprang to life - I was expecting some headaches, but it ran like a dream. Personally, I have no need for vinyl/CDJ control though, so this is not something I've tested extensively. 

As reported by a lot of others, the headphone output is on the quiet side, but a headphone amplifier should sort that out. 

Overall though, I'm fucking loving this mixer, it's opened up a whole new realm of possibilities for me, and every time I play with it, I discover something new I can do with it :) I haven't been this excited about DJing in a long time :) Yeah, there's niggles, but even after nearly 2 years of being on the market, this mixer is still the only one that does everything I want. Keep your ears open for a new Ruforia mix done with this mixer in the very near future :)

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

More daft searches

I think I've lost all confidence in the human condition. When you see some of the things people type into Google, there's absolutely no way you can retain hope. Here's some more things people have typed into Google, and ended up on my little corner of the internet (These are all real search terms from the last month):

  • naked girls on tractors
    Still the most searched for term that gets people to my blog. Google AdSense recommends I monetize these clicks.
  • ugly dogs
    Useful for distracting people from your ugly girlfriend.
  • how to wear a hat
    On your head.
  • moby the cat
    Moby has a bigger following than me, it seems.
  • shiiiiiiiiiiiit
    I know my blog is crap, but there's no need for that.
  • "fat friend syndrome"
    My blog is the font of all DSM-IV knowledge on this subject.
  • "women and technology don't"
  • 25 miles from home
    The song would have been a lot less catchy if Edwin Starr had joined the metric revolution, and called it "40.2336KM From Home".
  • baby yellow shoes
    The same as other baby shoes, now with 30% more yellow.
  • can you use control vinyls on tractor?
    As far as I know, there's no vinyl controlled farmyard equipment available yet. Although, I'm as interested as anyone else to see what the Stanton/John Deere partnership will bring.
  • drunk girls at hen nights getting fucked
    Part of me wants to search for "naked hen party on a tractor getting fucked by ugly dogs in yellow shoes" to see if I'm top of the list, but I'm too scared to do it, just in case I am.
  • egg chairs
    Sunny side up, or over-easy?
  • explicit clean itunes podcast
    You might want to see a therapist if that's the kind of porn you're looking for.
  • get around myspace
    Just don't go there, sorted.
  • ghetto yellow shoes
    The perfect gift for the skanky crack whore in your life this Christmas.
  • how to make sugarpaste shoe
    I still don't get it?
  • how to wear tour hair with a hat
    I believe the traditional way is underneath it.
  • i found a place where we go
    You found a place, and yet you're still searching. My heart weeps for you.
  • make shoes from computer
    All the sweat-shop kids are doing it.
  • mcjim
    Now you're just putting words in my mouth.
  • mcvities as a laxative
    I've often felt one of the areas this blog really lacks is more in-depth analysis of the laxatative effects of McVities biscuits.
  • meaning behind yellow shoes
    Hands off my existential quandry! Go find your own!
  • memory stick for girls

    available now direct from the Ruforia store, in a range of attractive girly colours and styles, from Agressive Nutmeg, through Petulant Birch, to Emo Ebony. From just 49.99E, inc. P&P.
  • motivational poster dart board
    "Believe you're the dart, not the board"
  • naked indian blog
    If an indian doesn't have enough money for clothes, how's he going to afford an internet connection?
  • naked with yellow shoes
    It happens to us all, from time to time. Send pictures.
  • rufus white, gilera
    My Googly senses tell me a Gilera is an Italian scooter. I don't think I've ever ridden one, or how someone came to be searching for me in a juxtaposition to one.
  • podcast tagging itunes yellow
    Ah, I think your problem might be you've downloaded JaundiTunes by mistake. Easily done.
  • shoe turn yellow how to
    Wax crayons.
  • shoes promoting
    Would shoes benefit from promotion? Most people are aware of shoes already, to the point where I believe there's a saturation point in the shoes market. Although women are determined to make sure the manufacturers don't buckle under in the economic crises.
  • shoes spain
    Very much like shoes from the rest of the world, only more Spanish.
  • ugly yellow dogs
    According to Google Analytics, ugly dogs are my "thing". Figures. To Google Analytics, I say: You don't even know me, I'm more of a cat person.
  • what do you understand about electronic money? give examples
    I understand I need more of it. eg1. I want to buy an electronic woman with my electronic money, but I can't, because I don't have enough.
  • what does it mean when you dream a man gives you yellow shoes?
    That you need to find a man who's not colour-blind?
  • why do shoes turn yellow
    Because you wax crayoned all over them (see above).
  • wierd naked
    I hoped you wouldn't notice.
  • you tou rucksacke
    I'm... confused.
  • what to wear with yellow shoes
    It's a scientifically proven fact that nothing looks good with yellow shoes. If you're attractive. If you're unattractive, wearing just yellow shoes won't help your cause (see: naked with yellow shoes).
  • yellow shoes symbolic meaning
    You're one of these people who has to find meaning in everything. What's the symbolic meaning of a toilet roll? What's the symbolic meaning of the HP 38XRP2100 All-in-one scanner/printer/fax/copier/dildo? I don't know. Do I care? No. Just keep doin' yo' thang,  HP 38XRP2100, ignore the hataz.

Future ex-wives.

Everyone has a "list". Even people in relationships (although they might not admit it). Since I was thinking about getting myself an imaginary girlfriend anyway (and maybe one day we'll settle down, and she'll be my imaginary wife), I might as well make her an attractive imaginary girlfriend while I'm at it. Here's the imaginary options. Incidentally, if you are one of these women, and you're feeling at a bit of a loose end one day, and want to see if you're as good in real life as you are in my mind, drop me a line.

Avril Lavigne
I know, I know, and it almost hurts, but Avril's been on the list for a while. A long while. I don't even know why. I think it's because her music has that "so crap it's good" thing that you nostalgically yearn for after you leave school.
Kiera Knightly
I think would make a great imaginary girlfriend, with the added bonus that you wouldn't have to spend that much on (imaginary) groceries.
Thirteen, from House
I know she's a fictional character, but I'm just as good at imagining fictional girls as I am at imagining real life girls, if not better. Incidentally, Cameron from House used to fill this space, but she's sold out and gone blonde now. Her loss.
Besides, ecstacy fueled, bisexual bed scenes are healthy for the imagination.
Daphne, from Heroes
For some reason, I keep imagining her in "She's all That" doing the Rockafella Skank at the end of the film. But really fast. Like when you're watching porn Youtube videos, and your computer skips a few frames, then goes really fast to catch up.
Rachael McAdams
But brunette Rachael McAdams. She makes me want to plan a heist. Just so I can pull out a big sheet of A0 paper with "HEIST PLANS" written in big letters at the top, really. A0 paper kicks ass.

What does this tell us? Well, first of all, this shows that I have a severely overactive imagination. Boob size doesn't seem to be an issue when considering a prospective imaginary girlfriend, but cute face is definitely where it's at. Interestingly, none of them have red hair, apart from in my mind. The one thing that ties all of them together really is they all have quite big foreheads (Rachael McAdams technically has a fivehead). I'm kinda ok with that, because one of my dreams has always been to have a girlfriend who's forehead I could project IMAX movies onto.

I still have an issue with which one I should settle down with though - at the moment I'm imaginary dating all of them, I love them all so much but in different ways. I think I'll have to use my patented Bacon Buttie test to see which one I should pick - ie. whoever makes the best bacon buttie can have me exclusively (imaginarily).

Sunday, 23 November 2008

'Leccy is hard to come by, round these parts.

Some mad Argentinians have bought the bar next door to my house, and as only Argentinians can, they've been working 24/7 for the last couple of days to try and get the place open and money in the till for some time last year. 

That in itself, I have no problem with, but they've just started using some crazy power tools that keep making my switch box do funny things, like turn all the electric in my house off. A lot. 

I'd be formulating a battle plan right now, but you don't want to piss Argentinians off. Nooo nononono. I can live without electricity if it means actually living, although I'm not sure a life without the internet actually constitutes living.