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Thursday, 8 March 2007

Impetus McDee and his magical performing odometer.

I saw on the telly the other day an interview with some random Brazilian guy, and this daft interviewer chap who didn't have a clue. Anyway, this came up:

Interviewer: blah blah blah blah blah
Brazilian Guy: blah blah
Interviewer: blah blah blah?
Brazilian Guy: blah blah.
Interviewer: hahaha. So Jeff. I've always wondered what Brazil Nuts are called in Brazil?
Brazilian Guy: Nuts.
Maybe the interviewer wasn't that daft after all - I've always wondered what they call Brazil Nuts in Brazil. He's just asking the questions that are relevant to today's socio-economic society as we know it. Hard hitting questions that strike home and that would bamboozle a politician sharper than a sharpened copy of Oscar Wilde's Big Book of Wit.

I mean, if you think about it, it stands to reason really, it's like the default nut in Brazil, so you don't need to call it anything else. Like the way that American Football is the default type of football in America, so they just call it Football. But not Footy. Never Footy.

So I got thinking about a couple of other things:
  • Is a French Kiss in France just a Kiss?
    When you're just meeting someone for the first time do you go tongues deep in their throat and try and lick their digestive system? If you're a bit more intimate with someone do you give them a quick peck on the cheek?
  • Is a Mexican Wave in Mexico just a Wave?
    I guess the same rules could apply: If you spy a Mexican across the room and want to descreetly acknowledge them, do you jump up and down and do the whole "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" thing? In that case does it work with just one person, or do you have to get as many people nearby as you can to stand in a line and do it before you'll be able to get the Mexican person's attention? Can you microwave a burrito in Mexico just by sticking it in a box and getting a load of midget Mexicans to keep doing the "Waaaayyyyyy" thing directed at the burrito for 30 seconds?
  • Why was the Brazilian guy called Jeff?
    It just doesn't seem a very Brazilian name to me.

Saturday, 3 March 2007

Usurping the Patagonian Health Service

One thing I'm really missing while being over here in the States is British advertising.

You might think that advertising in any old country is surely the same - it's comanies trying to persuade you to buy their shit. Nuh uh. Not true. Here's a comparison between an American washing up liquid advert, and a British one:

  • American:
    Narrator - really deep voice, the kind that rattles cheap sub-woofers: Deep in a world where a dish's freedom is measured not by it's cleanliness but by it's godliness, how can you afford to use an inferior washing up liquid? 90% of people don't realize that using a cheap washing up liquid funds terrorism. That's why we designed ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH. Using all-American ingredients, we formulated a wash that's scientifically proven to be marginally better than using lukewarm water on its own. If you don't believe us, just listen to these real customers, who aren't actors...
    Crap Actor #1: I was perfectly happy with my washing up liquid, but when I found out that a couple of the ingredients are made in Europe, it made me sick to my bones. By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH I can be sure that I'm supporting America in all it's glory.
    Crap Actor #2: I was told that my old washing up liquid is used by sex-fiends at sex-festivals as lubricant. I was assured by ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH that it was endorsed by god himself, and was untouched by the hands of sex-fiends. That's something you can believe in.
    Crap Actor #3: By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH, I've lost 2,000lbs through loss of appetite.
    Narrator: But don't just take their word for it, try ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH Yourself, and see how you can achieve a sense of manly power and one-up-manship over your neighbor and everyone else you know. BUT WAIT! Buy now and we'll send you not just one bottle, but 2 FREE. How can we do this? By employing small black children in juvenile institutions in inner city project areas, we pass on the savings to YOU! That's right, our product is manufactured completely within the US, by US workers, keeping the CHEAP in FREEDOM. PLUS: Order within the next 10 minutes, and we'll send you 15 bottles of ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH for the price of one! WOW! ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH - because what are your dishes if they're not FREE??
  • British:
    Fancy CGI graphics costing millions of pounds show the existentialism of washing up liquid and how it fits into modern Britain, to a soundtrack by Coldplay. Lives are saved, people with AIDS are cured, black and white images of the black death plague are seen retreating at speed across the English Channel, before being blasted into thousands of bubbles, each bubble designed by a famous modern artist, which in turn burst, revealing happy babies inside. Finally, the product is shown...
    Alan Davies Narrates: Use Frisk to clean your dishes. We like it, and we think you might too.

Happy People With Guns.

Are writers running out of ideas these days? Movie titles just seem to keep getting worse and worse. A few months ago, there was "Snakes on a Plane" - Let's explore that for a second. Great, it does exactly what it says on the tin, you know what you're gonna get when you go to the cinema - chances are, this movie involves some snakes juxtaposed to a plane. Amazing. Is this supposed to be some kind of touchy-feely metaphor for having some terrorists onboard? No. It's just snakes. On a plane. How do I know it's not a metaphor? You can't train a snake to fly a plane. They don't have opposable thumbs.

So then I see that they've released a new film called "Black Snake Moan" (look, I've nothing against snakes - even black ones, I'm like the least snakist person out there, but there's just a lot of retarded snake movies out there it seems). First of all, Snakes don't moan. They can moan about as well as they can fly planes. Why? No bloody vocal chords. Plus I have reservations about the size of snake lungs, even if a snake had vocal chords, the size of it's lungs would only allow it to squeak. There, I did it, I got all scientific on your ass. I'm sorry I had to do that. Fuck. I'm turning into Jeremy Clarkson.

Then I noticed that Justin Trousersnake is in this film. This guy seriously has some penis insecurities. He's clearly still trying to shake off those rumours from Britney, back in the day. I mean, first Dick in a Box, and now this?
dick in a box

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Justin, it's ok. Can you just go back to making cheesy music? The wedding DJs are running out of new tunes without you around...

Friday, 2 March 2007

Without me, you'd be an arsonist. And that's nothing to do with being gay.

Have you noticed how when your alarm goes off, and you hit snooze, even if you're really ready to get up, and there's absolutely no chance whatsoever of you going back to sleep, you won't get up again until that alarm goes off.

It's like a bloody raffle ticket. Nothing happens unless it's a 5 or a 0. If you wake up when the minute is a 1,2,3 or 4, fuck that, you're not getting up for kinky sex with Carmen Electra. But when that minute hits 5, noooooooooo problem, you're like a whirlwind of energy*.

*Or as much as anyone can be before lunchtime.

Crotch Fatigue

Oh by the way. Ben ate the last of the Cheerio's I was saving.

I made it through the day by eating a Pot Noodle, which Josh donated to the cause. He doesn't know it yet ;)

Thanks Josh. You made staving off death for another day possible. You're remarkable.

Cheese Flan, and His Parting Soliloquay

I've been wondering something all week. Perhaps just because most of my thoughts have been of food or food related.

OK, you know how shop dummys are supposed to be the 'ideal' size and shape and how we as consumers are supposed to feel insecure about our own size and conform to this 'ideal' size in an attempt to feel attractive?

Well.... do Big and Tall shops have giant, fat mannequins?

I'm just throwing that out there.