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Saturday, 3 March 2007

Happy People With Guns.

Are writers running out of ideas these days? Movie titles just seem to keep getting worse and worse. A few months ago, there was "Snakes on a Plane" - Let's explore that for a second. Great, it does exactly what it says on the tin, you know what you're gonna get when you go to the cinema - chances are, this movie involves some snakes juxtaposed to a plane. Amazing. Is this supposed to be some kind of touchy-feely metaphor for having some terrorists onboard? No. It's just snakes. On a plane. How do I know it's not a metaphor? You can't train a snake to fly a plane. They don't have opposable thumbs.

So then I see that they've released a new film called "Black Snake Moan" (look, I've nothing against snakes - even black ones, I'm like the least snakist person out there, but there's just a lot of retarded snake movies out there it seems). First of all, Snakes don't moan. They can moan about as well as they can fly planes. Why? No bloody vocal chords. Plus I have reservations about the size of snake lungs, even if a snake had vocal chords, the size of it's lungs would only allow it to squeak. There, I did it, I got all scientific on your ass. I'm sorry I had to do that. Fuck. I'm turning into Jeremy Clarkson.

Then I noticed that Justin Trousersnake is in this film. This guy seriously has some penis insecurities. He's clearly still trying to shake off those rumours from Britney, back in the day. I mean, first Dick in a Box, and now this?
dick in a box

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Justin, it's ok. Can you just go back to making cheesy music? The wedding DJs are running out of new tunes without you around...

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