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Saturday 3 March 2007

Usurping the Patagonian Health Service

One thing I'm really missing while being over here in the States is British advertising.

You might think that advertising in any old country is surely the same - it's comanies trying to persuade you to buy their shit. Nuh uh. Not true. Here's a comparison between an American washing up liquid advert, and a British one:

  • American:
    Narrator - really deep voice, the kind that rattles cheap sub-woofers: Deep in a world where a dish's freedom is measured not by it's cleanliness but by it's godliness, how can you afford to use an inferior washing up liquid? 90% of people don't realize that using a cheap washing up liquid funds terrorism. That's why we designed ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH. Using all-American ingredients, we formulated a wash that's scientifically proven to be marginally better than using lukewarm water on its own. If you don't believe us, just listen to these real customers, who aren't actors...
    Crap Actor #1: I was perfectly happy with my washing up liquid, but when I found out that a couple of the ingredients are made in Europe, it made me sick to my bones. By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH I can be sure that I'm supporting America in all it's glory.
    Crap Actor #2: I was told that my old washing up liquid is used by sex-fiends at sex-festivals as lubricant. I was assured by ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH that it was endorsed by god himself, and was untouched by the hands of sex-fiends. That's something you can believe in.
    Crap Actor #3: By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH, I've lost 2,000lbs through loss of appetite.
    Narrator: But don't just take their word for it, try ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH Yourself, and see how you can achieve a sense of manly power and one-up-manship over your neighbor and everyone else you know. BUT WAIT! Buy now and we'll send you not just one bottle, but 2 FREE. How can we do this? By employing small black children in juvenile institutions in inner city project areas, we pass on the savings to YOU! That's right, our product is manufactured completely within the US, by US workers, keeping the CHEAP in FREEDOM. PLUS: Order within the next 10 minutes, and we'll send you 15 bottles of ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH for the price of one! WOW! ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH - because what are your dishes if they're not FREE??
  • British:
    Fancy CGI graphics costing millions of pounds show the existentialism of washing up liquid and how it fits into modern Britain, to a soundtrack by Coldplay. Lives are saved, people with AIDS are cured, black and white images of the black death plague are seen retreating at speed across the English Channel, before being blasted into thousands of bubbles, each bubble designed by a famous modern artist, which in turn burst, revealing happy babies inside. Finally, the product is shown...
    Alan Davies Narrates: Use Frisk to clean your dishes. We like it, and we think you might too.

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