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Saturday, 21 July 2007

Hen Parties. Cluck Cluck, Bang Bang

I've decided that if I never see another hen party in Leeds, it will still be too soon. Here are the requirements for a Leeds hen party:

  • 6-9 fat, ugly, mostly middle aged women, all with loud bitch syndrome and a cleft palate.
  • t-shirts with things like "cheeky mare" and "bride babe" printed on them. The more fat wrinkled cleavage they show, the better, apparently.
  • Pink plastic magic wands, to be used as an offensive weapon if anybody dares challenge the bride to be's all night slurrings of "aaa yooooou gonna gerr meya drink loorrve, it's meyen party!!"
  • Penis shaped drinking straws and drinks holders. How racy.
  • Tacky one-piece costumes. These may consist of: devil horns, pink veils with pink fluff around them, a school tie, a nun thing, or glittery hearts on springy headbands.
  • Tight jeans and leggings. Why they can't dress according to their weight, I don't know. The only thing worse than a fat ugly middle aged woman is a fat, ugly, middle aged woman who feels She has to tell the world about it by dressing like a skinny 16 year old.
Leeds hen parties feel that none of the rules that apply to everyone else in the world have anything to do with them. Suddenly, everyone who's not part of their closely-knit group of wanton destruction becomes someone to be treated like a piece of dirt, or a piece of meat.

It's pretty much universally believed that grabbing a girls bum is socially unacceptable conduct these days, if men were to do it in this country, chances are they'd have a sexual harassment lawsuit slapped on them faster than you can say "It was only a joke, love!". Hen parties, however, have no problem grabbing anything they can find below the belt-line. If a bloke was to turn round and object to this blatant disregard of personal space, he would first be met with a barrage of "Liiiiiten up loorrrrve, it's anen partiiiiiiii!", before being knocked senseless by wrinkled tits the size of Jupiter.

Which leads me to the question: Do no good looking girls get married in Leeds? There's no shortage of babes in Leeds - are they too classy to have hen parties? I have a feeling they'd much rather just get a truck-load of Jacob's Creek in and watch Love, Actually.

The thing is, I wouldn't be complaining, but a hen party for the fat, middle-aged women is pretty much the same as any other night out for them, apart from the penis drinking straws. It's like a rite of passage thing: before you get married you must go out and get fucked on absynthe drunk through a penis-shaped straw. Surely they're going to end up with much the same memories (ie. none) as any other night out on the town. If I was a fat, middle-aged loudmouth bitch, I'd want to do something a little bit different so that it'd be memorable. I would suggest something like bungee-jumping or sky diving at this point but that's putting an awful lot of trust in equipment only designed for the weight of a normal human being. Instead, if you're a fat, middle aged bitch planning a hen party, why not try this: take a bunch of ecstasy (£2 per pill at current rates, which makes for a much cheaper night right off the bat compared to £100 per behemoth on drinks you people complain so much about on these hen parties - hey, nobody is forcing you to get drunk), and stick Radio 1 on in your living room and keep flicking the lights on and off. You'll have no desire to sexually harass anything with a penis, and you'll remember it as the best night of your life.

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