More daft searches

I think I've lost all confidence in the human condition. When you see some of the things people type into Google, there's absolutely no way you can retain hope. Here's some more things people have typed into Google, and ended up on my little corner of the internet (These are all real search terms from the last month):

• naked girls on tractors
  Still the most searched for term that gets people to my blog. Google AdSense recommends I monetize these clicks.
• ugly dogs
  Useful for distracting people from your ugly girlfriend.
• how to wear a hat
  On your head.
• moby the cat
  Moby has a bigger following than me, it seems.
• shiiiiiiiiiiiit
  I know my blog is crap, but there's no need for that.
• "fat friend syndrome"
  My blog is the font of all DSM-IV knowledge on this subject.
• "women and technology don't"
  Exactly.
• 25 miles from home
  The song would have been a lot less catchy if Edwin Starr had joined the metric revolution, and called it "40.2336KM From Home".
• baby yellow shoes
  The same as other baby shoes, now with 30% more yellow.
• can you use control vinyls on tractor?
  As far as I know, there's no vinyl controlled farmyard equipment available yet. Although, I'm as interested as anyone else to see what the Stanton/John Deere partnership will bring.
• drunk girls at hen nights getting fucked
  Part of me wants to search for "naked hen party on a tractor getting fucked by ugly dogs in yellow shoes" to see if I'm top of the list, but I'm too scared to do it, just in case I am.
• egg chairs
  Sunny side up, or over-easy?
• explicit clean itunes podcast
  You might want to see a therapist if that's the kind of porn you're looking for.
• get around myspace
  Just don't go there, sorted.
• ghetto yellow shoes
  The perfect gift for the skanky crack whore in your life this Christmas.
• how to make sugarpaste shoe
  I still don't get it?
• how to wear tour hair with a hat
  I believe the traditional way is underneath it.
• i found a place where we go
  You found a place, and yet you're still searching. My heart weeps for you.
• make shoes from computer
  All the sweat-shop kids are doing it.
• mcjim
  Now you're just putting words in my mouth.
• mcvities as a laxative
  I've often felt one of the areas this blog really lacks is more in-depth analysis of the laxatative effects of McVities biscuits.
• meaning behind yellow shoes
  Hands off my existential quandry! Go find your own!
• memory stick for girls
  
  available now direct from the Ruforia store, in a range of attractive girly colours and styles, from Agressive Nutmeg, through Petulant Birch, to Emo Ebony. From just 49.99E, inc. P&P.
  
• motivational poster dart board
  "Believe you're the dart, not the board"
• naked indian blog
  If an indian doesn't have enough money for clothes, how's he going to afford an internet connection?
• naked with yellow shoes
  It happens to us all, from time to time. Send pictures.
• rufus white, gilera
  My Googly senses tell me a Gilera is an Italian scooter. I don't think I've ever ridden one, or how someone came to be searching for me in a juxtaposition to one.
• podcast tagging itunes yellow
  Ah, I think your problem might be you've downloaded JaundiTunes by mistake. Easily done.
• shoe turn yellow how to
  Wax crayons.
• shoes promoting
  Would shoes benefit from promotion? Most people are aware of shoes already, to the point where I believe there's a saturation point in the shoes market. Although women are determined to make sure the manufacturers don't buckle under in the economic crises.
• shoes spain
  Very much like shoes from the rest of the world, only more Spanish.
• ugly yellow dogs
  According to Google Analytics, ugly dogs are my "thing". Figures. To Google Analytics, I say: You don't even know me, I'm more of a cat person.
• what do you understand about electronic money? give examples
  I understand I need more of it. eg1. I want to buy an electronic woman with my electronic money, but I can't, because I don't have enough.
• what does it mean when you dream a man gives you yellow shoes?
  That you need to find a man who's not colour-blind?
• why do shoes turn yellow
  Because you wax crayoned all over them (see above).
  
• wierd naked
  I hoped you wouldn't notice.
• you tou rucksacke
  I'm... confused.
  
• what to wear with yellow shoes
  It's a scientifically proven fact that nothing looks good with yellow shoes. If you're attractive. If you're unattractive, wearing just yellow shoes won't help your cause (see: naked with yellow shoes).
• yellow shoes symbolic meaning
  You're one of these people who has to find meaning in everything. What's the symbolic meaning of a toilet roll? What's the symbolic meaning of the HP 38XRP2100 All-in-one scanner/printer/fax/copier/dildo? I don't know. Do I care? No. Just keep doin' yo' thang,  HP 38XRP2100, ignore the hataz.

Future ex-wives.

Everyone has a "list". Even people in relationships (although they might not admit it). Since I was thinking about getting myself an imaginary girlfriend anyway (and maybe one day we'll settle down, and she'll be my imaginary wife), I might as well make her an attractive imaginary girlfriend while I'm at it. Here's the imaginary options. Incidentally, if you are one of these women, and you're feeling at a bit of a loose end one day, and want to see if you're as good in real life as you are in my mind, drop me a line.

	Avril Lavigne I know, I know, and it almost hurts, but Avril's been on the list for a while. A long while. I don't even know why. I think it's because her music has that "so crap it's good" thing that you nostalgically yearn for after you leave school.
	Kiera Knightly I think would make a great imaginary girlfriend, with the added bonus that you wouldn't have to spend that much on (imaginary) groceries.
	Thirteen, from House I know she's a fictional character, but I'm just as good at imagining fictional girls as I am at imagining real life girls, if not better. Incidentally, Cameron from House used to fill this space, but she's sold out and gone blonde now. Her loss. Besides, ecstacy fueled, bisexual bed scenes are healthy for the imagination.
	Daphne, from Heroes For some reason, I keep imagining her in "She's all That" doing the Rockafella Skank at the end of the film. But really fast. Like when you're watching porn Youtube videos, and your computer skips a few frames, then goes really fast to catch up.
	Rachael McAdams But brunette Rachael McAdams. She makes me want to plan a heist. Just so I can pull out a big sheet of A0 paper with "HEIST PLANS" written in big letters at the top, really. A0 paper kicks ass.

What does this tell us? Well, first of all, this shows that I have a severely overactive imagination. Boob size doesn't seem to be an issue when considering a prospective imaginary girlfriend, but cute face is definitely where it's at. Interestingly, none of them have red hair, apart from in my mind. The one thing that ties all of them together really is they all have quite big foreheads (Rachael McAdams technically has a fivehead). I'm kinda ok with that, because one of my dreams has always been to have a girlfriend who's forehead I could project IMAX movies onto.

I still have an issue with which one I should settle down with though - at the moment I'm imaginary dating all of them, I love them all so much but in different ways. I think I'll have to use my patented Bacon Buttie test to see which one I should pick - ie. whoever makes the best bacon buttie can have me exclusively (imaginarily).

'Leccy is hard to come by, round these parts.

Some mad Argentinians have bought the bar next door to my house, and as only Argentinians can, they've been working 24/7 for the last couple of days to try and get the place open and money in the till for some time last year. 

That in itself, I have no problem with, but they've just started using some crazy power tools that keep making my switch box do funny things, like turn all the electric in my house off. A lot. 

I'd be formulating a battle plan right now, but you don't want to piss Argentinians off. Nooo nononono. I can live without electricity if it means actually living, although I'm not sure a life without the internet actually constitutes living. 

Simply Rediculous

I love it when you get guys in souped up cars driving past, with the gayest music possible blasting out of the windows. Just now the biggest, most baller Hummer in the world - blacked out windows, rims, the works - just drove past, blaring Simply Red - Stars out at an insane volume. My mind is still processing this. I'll get back to you when I've come up with a conclusion. 

I'm seldom dead (yet).

Ok, well, I had my eye test. The good news is that my eyes are still the same withered stumps at the end of my ocular nerves they were two years ago, they haven't got any worse. 

The better news is that despite not speaking any english (perhaps for the better), the optemetrist wasn't a wrinkled pervy old hag-man, neither was she so hot that I nearly had her eye out (see previous post). In fact, she was just the right amount of cuteness for an optometrist. Cute enough that I felt comfortable telling her random letters from a board at the other end of the galaxy, but not so hot that I felt the need to rearrange the letters into haiku's about how shaggable she was. Not that it would have made any difference, what with the no hablar ingles situation that was going on. Even the chair was more Sloggi than Anne Summers. Every little bit helps. 

I think she was actually quite into me - she said she was going to call me, and we had some great eye-contact going on. 

Game on for cute Spanish Sloggi optometrists.

If I don't make it out alive, I'm probably dead.

I'm scared. Well, I'm always scared. But today, I'm more scared. Today I have an eye test. In Ibiza. 

For those fortunate enough to have perfect vision, I envy you. You'll never have had to endure the terror that is the eye test. An eye test is bad enough in english. There's 2 ways an eye test can go in England:

• Some reeking old giffer will drag you into a broom closet, where he'll stick needles in your eyes and affront you physically and nasally. He'll deluge you with a million pictures, and then bring one single image to crystal clarity... and beyond. Usually, the perverted old fart will try and take advantage of the fact that you can't see anything, and are bewildered and confused in a darkened room by asking you to identify objects from across the room: 
  "Can you see what this is?"
  "No."
  "HAHAHAHAHAHA! And what's this?"
  "An.... egg?"
  "I'll give you a clue, it's either a spoon, or the Gobi Desert."
  "A spoon?"
  "FOOL! I tricked you! It's a double-decker bus! Ok, this next one is either my penis, or a Cornish Pasty, which is it?"
  
  You get the idea. This guy will end up suggesting a pair of gold-rimmed specs twice the size of your head look great on you. 
• On the other hand, you'll get some mega-hot-and-knows-it optomotrist. She'll lead you into a room that's hotter than the Sun, and sit you in a bondage chair. You have two choices: Leave your jacket on, and burn to death, or take it off and risk exposing the massive boner you're carrying around. She dims the lights to something more romantic. The conditions are perfect...
  
  Just so you know, from my experience, these things never work out like porn, which is a shame, cos I could think of some great positions with that freaky chair. You leave with blue balls and the means to see them clearly.

Either way, you're going to end up pretty scarred for life. On top of this, the optometrist literally holds the keys to your life in their hand: On their whim, they can make you a social outcast for the next year by suggesting a pair of glasses that will make you look like Salman Rushdie having an allergic reaction to getting stung in the eye by a jellyfish. Or they can suggest something nicer, that pushes you to the outskirts of social acceptability. "But it's your choice, surely??" I hear you say. Oh no, these guys are totally skilled in mind manipulation techniques. They'll use phrases like "These ones make your nose look smaller" and "Have you ever thought about plastic surgery?" to make you choose the glasses they want you to wear. Trust me, don't get on the bad side of an optemetrist. You'll be broke and looking like an aged hooker going for the pity vote within a week. As you can see, somehow, I've managed to get on the bad side of several optometrists in my lifetime. 

So as if that wasn't bad enough, I'll be having my eye test here in Spain. I booked an appointment at one of the Dr. Mari opticians in Ibiza town. There's over a billion Dr. Mari's in Ibiza town, and I'm not sure which one it is I booked myself in at now. All the glasses in there look a bit mental, and it looks like I'm going to have to revive my Dame Edna Everedge look in order to make it through the next year alive. But the biggest kick in the balls is going to be that the eye test is going to be in Spanish. I can see this being a bit hard, so I've swatted up on some key questions they might ask me, just so I can try and get through this ordeal in one piece:

• ¿Qué es más clara, un presente, un presente o?
  
• ¿Que es un astigmatismo en el bolsillo, o se acaba el placer de verme?
  
• Esta es una de Pasty de Cornualles, o mi pene, lo que es?
  

Ruforia: Global Bag

Well, another season here in Ibiza is well and truly at an end, and I thought it'd be good to make a mix of all the tracks I've been totally hammering (maybe a little bit too much lol) this season down at Coolture Cafe. I've been feeling really happy this year, because there's been so much good House Music around, unlike last year when everything seemed to sound exactly the same. 

So this mix is there's absolutely no story behind this mix, it's just straight-up music I've been loving to pieces this Summer, strung together in a way that may or may not mean something to you. Whatever, who cares, just have a boogie :) There's a bit of everything thrown into this one, from the soulful mix of "What is Love?", to the downright deep and dirty grooves of "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine". 

Tracklisting: 

1. Greenpower - What is Love? (Licious K Mix)
   No head-banging in a Night at the Roxbury stylee to this one, although I can't help but be reminded of that movie every time I hear this track now, this one's been a staple for starting the night off with some great grooves down at the Caf. Just imagine Haddaway took a load of hash browns and helium, and you'd be about there. 
   With: HCCR - I Go Back (Acapella)
   
A Subliminal classic in it's own right, if I could have found the full acapella anywhere, believe me, I'd have used the whole thing. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. 

2. Mike Dunn & MD XPress - God Made Me Phunky (HCCR Mix)
Another classic in it's own right, this one gets the Harry Choo Choo Romero treatment. We're taking it back to the mother load, the mother ship. Whatever that means. 

3. Soundbluntz Feat. Cheyne - (Maybe You'll Get) Lucky (Hatiras Mix)
Cheyne sounds like if you heard her in real life, she'd sound like Karen from Will & Grace, which is one reason I hope I never meet her. Having said that, it doesn't get much funkier than this. This one always made Vicki wiggle her bum whenever I played it, which is a sight I don't think I'll ever tire of. 

4. Laurent Wolf - No Stress (Original Mix)
Combining some funky piano action with some serious dirt and a shedload of "uughmm!", it was pretty much a given that this was going to make it's way into a Ruforia mix somewhere along the line. 

5. DJ Nick - Summer Samba (Andy F Mix)
I love the way this one teases you with the Samba De Janerio riff, everyone would always get up and start screaming when they heard those first 3 notes, only to give me evil looks when it dropped back into the beat >:) Mwahahaha. By the time the whole riff comes in finally, there's no point in even trying to contain yourself. 

6. Macelo Castelli - Zion (Rastafari Mix)
   Another track shamelessly pilfered from DJ Steveboy's GrooveElectric podcast, it's got evil and funk in equal combinations. Add in some Bob Marley, and, well, it's pretty much game over. Just remember to sing along: "Do you do druuuuugs?... I do druggs!"
   With: Trendroid - Rastafari (Distorted Acapella)
   Apparently his name is Rastafari. Who knew?
   The BeatThiefs Feat. Shena - Why Did Ya? (Shenapella)
I love the original Stretch version of this track, but give it a female vocal, stick it to a house beat and look what happens, it's like crazy town out there. 

7. Juan Morgan & Marcos Rodriguez - Bora Bora (Original Mix)
I've been liking a lot of these wierd tracks with Moroccan sounding leads lately, Bucovina (Chemically Unbalanced), Gypsy (Red Light Mixstrict) and now this. Obviously the inclusion of this track has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Bora Bora is within walking distance from my house (not that it matters anyway, Bora Bora is not the same now Gee is no longer there :( ). Wierd? yes. Dancable? Fuck yes.

8. Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine (Sander Van Doorm Mix)
Ok, I'll admit it, the whole mix up until this point has been pretty much working up to this track. Quite possibly the track of the season. And then some. I can't help but make gutteral noises when that synth drops in. As if the groove wasn't good enough already, the vocal is amazing. One of the first house tracks I ever owned was Sia's "Drink to Get Drunk", which I still play to this day, it's nice to know that she's not lost her touch. 

9. Mark Knight, Adam K, Soha - From the Speaker (Original Mix)
About the only great track Morillo introduced me to this year, this was about the only track Carmello would turn the volume up to instead of down (fucking Ibiza noise restrictions - who ever heard of such a daft idea?) - that's how good it is. 

10. Axwell, Ron Carroll, Bob Sinclar - What a Wonderful World (Original Mix)
I've always wanted a house mix of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World", but I think this is about as close as I'm going to get. If I was honest about it, I've probably played this track the least out of all the tracks on this mix, but I think that's only because it's one of those ones where it's got to be exactly the right moment to play it to get away with it. 

11. Dave Darrell - Children (Original Mix)
    Play the Robert Miles version these days, and either a million candy kids will stick their glowsticks in the air, or you'll get kicked off the decks faster than you can say "Mauro Picotto". Dave Darrell has done a great job of mixing this epic track into something you can enjoy in the company of strangers without fear of getting laughed at. Amazing. 
    With: X-Press2 - Lazy (Acapella)
It's kinda how I've been feeling since the season finished here, but I think these two tracks really work well together :)

12. Steve Mac - Paddy's Revenge (Club Mix)
    The original loop is taken from a Penguin Cafe Orchestra track called 'Music for a Found Harmonium'. I've loved The PCO ever since Telephone and Rubber Band was used on that 121 advert (now T-Mobile), and I've been wishing for a house mix of at least one of their tracks ever since. Steve Mac has really done a great job here, walking that tricky line between progressive and funky, which can easily go so terribly wrong. 
    With: Bongo Lovers Feat. An-Tonic - Power of Music (Acapella)
13. Dirty South - The End (Tocadisco Loves Techno Vocal Mix)
Yes, I know, this one should be at the end. Call it irony that its not. Happy now? It actually was going to be at the end, until Obama won the election, Ruforia got all political, and this happened:

14. House Music United - Yes We Can (Original Mix)
    If the hairs have not been standing up before this point, they will for this one. What's in store for us under and Obama leadership, who knows, but one thing's for sure, He's pretty inspiring. 

Asian fantasy? Or just a little bit Asian creepy?

This ad seems to have been following me around the internet for the last few weeks. Every time I see it, my brain does wierd things. I'm tempted to click it, but I'm not sure I want to find out how far this Asian rabbit hole goes (do they have rabbits in Asia?). 

Let's say, hypothetically, I click it. I join this site. First of all, it's going to be a logistical nightmare, marrying 6000(+!) Asian girls, have the makers of this site thought that through? Also, 6000+ is a lot of Asian girls for anybody (even me), is there a returns policy in case I don't like some of them? Can I share the love and send some to friends and relatives as birthday and Christmas presents? I know a few guys who'd probably appreciate a couple, maybe a few Asians under the tree this Xmas. 

But the other, far bigger problem, is this: The Asian girls might be ready for marriage, but what if I'm not? Can't we all get to know each other a bit before steaming forward into a whole great big pile of marriage? Are there no Asian girls looking to just fool around a bit, I mean, this is all going so fast isn't it? I have problems remembering what "Noodles special 3 delicious" is at my local Chinese (and I'm not even sure that's written in proper chinese), how am I supposed to remember 6000+ Chinese names?

On the other hand I could train them all up in Kung Fu (most of them probably know it already, from what I've seen in the movies), and have an almighty army of Kung Fu wives that look great in vinyl and schoolgirl outfits. Just remember to not get on their bad side.