Killing me softly with condiments

In an attempt to create the ultimate spicy sauce just now (something I've been attempting for a long time), and in the testing thereof, I managed to give myself uncontrollable hiccups. The sauce was so spicy that I'm not only sweating and my eyes streaming, but worse, I had to remove my beenie. Disaster.

These are the ingredients in case anyone would like to make themselves hiccup (although I wouldn't recommend it: As a direct result of this sauce, I ended up spilling Ribena all over myself whilst trying to remedy the hiccuping situation):

• Indian Curry Sauce
• Soy Sauce
• Mexican Chilli Sauce (Death sauce)
  
• Heinz Tomato Ketchup (The upside-down squeezy kind)
  
• Tabasco Sauce
• HP Sauce
• Brown Sauce
• BBQ Sauce

These sauces were added according to spiciness. The more spicy the sauce, the more I added. This was served on pasta, although I don't think that was a mitigating factor in the hiccupping side-effect.

It should also be noted that I find none of these sauces on their own spicy at all, so I think there's a super duper chemical reaction going on that's activating the spice and making me taste it. Unless you come from Bradistan and were raised on curry, or have an aspestos mouth, I would not recommend you try this combination.

Aerosol

Restepah to the barman massive

I think my brain is going to explode. Last night I was just learning all the basics of the bar, I don't know how I'm ever going to cope, remembering where every single drink is, what it is, and on top of that, the 6 billion cocktail recipes. They also had me practicing pouring measures into test tubes. I don't think I have very good hand-eye-bottle-test-tube coordination, because I was constantly getting too much or too little in the test tube. If it wasn't going all over the floor that is.

Right now I think there's more chance of me joining the Corrs, settling down and having lots of little Irish babies with all 3 sisters (yes, I know there's a brother as well, but I think having babies with him is probably pushing the boundaries of chance, reality and heterosexuality a little too far, even for me) than becoming a good barman.

Afterwards I consoled myself by going back to Arron's house and eating about 57 chickens. My tummy did not feel good for that this morning, I can tell you.

My dental check-up consisted of the usual: have teeth and gums ripped appart, spilling my own blood everywhere in the dental surgery, foul tasting liquids, fat-middle aged nurses, wierd sensations, dark glasses and people telling me to drink less coca-cola and that I might need 20 fillings. And that was just the hygienist.

The dentist, who I saw straight after, was much nicer, and told me my mouth was fine (even though it was still dripping blood everywhere from the hygiene nurse's mini evil hook-claw-thing), and that I should rest up and take it easy. Actually he didn't say that, but he seemed like the type of guy that might. Then he gave me a lollipop and sent me on my way.

True story.

Erotic discourse in Cheadle

So I've got my first proper shift at Prohibition tonight - luckily I managed to find a black shirt this time, but it's one of those ones that have the sleeves sewn into a rolled-up state, so instead of looking like a ninja tonight, I look like a pirate. They're gonna think I'm some kind of one-man hippy fancy-dress parade at work.

No different from anywhere else I've worked then.

There wasn't any milk in the house this morning, and very little else, so I wasn't able to get my usual bowl of cereal. I had to make a rudimentary cheese and onion toastie from bread, cheese, and an onion. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have a dental check-up before work. It's always fun to be able to breathe onion breath all over the kinky young dental assistant. Or it would be if the nurses at my clinic were kinky. Or young. In reality they're all fat and middle-aged.

More onion please.

Darth Vadar

Goose

Ninja

"Maybe you should be interviewing the drugs, they have a lot to answer for"

For anyone interested in House, this is something really worth seeing - Channel 4's "Pump up the Volume: A History of House". It's a really well put together documentary that covers all the parts that I'm sad to say, I missed out on at the time it was happening. Didn't stop me catching up though ;) Enjoy.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I really think this documentary does a great job of capturing the spirit of house - 'let it all out, let it all go, be free', and I think it's that spirit that I've been trying for so long to capture in my mixes. It's also totally right in what it says about the UK being so keen to label different genres of House, something that I've also noticed myself and have tried to stop myself from getting too pigeonholed - hence me changing the name of the podcast from "Funky House Music, but not as you know it!" to just "House Music, but not as you know it!". At the end of the day, house music should be funky, that's how it started out. Why stick an extra label on top of it? Right now the big label on everyone's lips is Electro House. Last year it was Tech House. Before that it was Funky House. As far as I'm concerned, all that matters is that I play Good House. Maybe I should start it as a new genre/label just to make Britain sit up and listen. The beauty of this music is that you can totally play a really soulful track, and mix it with a driving dark dirty nightmare of a track, and apart from a few factors, there's every possibility that you can make them go together. Why do people have this problem with it that you have to play one 'brand' of House all night? I think this has a lot to do with the fact that when I've been going out lately, I get bored quite easily. No wonder: The DJ's been playing tracks that all use the same synth patch all night because he thinks that everybody's into electro this year. At first, I wouldn't touch electro with a barge-pole, but I've since come to realize that there are some quite funky electro tracks. What I do disagree with, though, is feeling like I've been listening to the same groove for an hour. And if I'm thinking that when I'm off my nut, there's a problem.

One of the big things that I noticed about the 'States is the fact that the DJ's tend to play only what they think the crowd wants. They play the current sound, go through the top 40, and nothing more. I'm starting to see it happen over here as well - everywhere I go I hear the same tunes. All the DJs are starting to sound the same! What happened to DJs searching out obscure releases no-one else has? Playing about with samples and warping tracks almost to the point where you can hardly recognize them? Playing classics and giving them the credit they deserve as seminal pieces of musical history, instead of consigning them to the 'cheese' bin? I feel like the internet has played a big part in this building lack of respect for music. Whilst it's increased the convenience of finding any tune we want within seconds, and purchasing (or not, as the case may be) it there on the spot, it's decreased our respect for the track as an entity within itself. It stops being a living being, and just becomes another number in iTunes, lost among a fog of countless others. I even find this myself with my collection, and the only way I've found to stop it is to constantly keep going through my collection, and sorting things into playlists based on mood, instruments, groove, vocals etc. This is the only way I've found of helping me at a gig so that instead of staring blankly at a list of 15,000 tracks, each one standing out no more than the last, I'm only seeing a list of tracks that fit the style/mood/message I'm trying to convey.

The other thing DJs have lost sight of is the 'party'. House was all about creating that feeling of being at a house party, no matter how many people were there. Now everything is about the DJ, the club, and bar sales. We don't go to a club any more to have a party, we go to 'see' the DJ. I don't care about seeing the DJ, the reason I go there is to dance to the music. Let's not forget that ultimately, the DJ is playing other people's records, so unless he's actually injecting some of his own musical talent and style into the mix, there's nothing elevating him above putting the latest "Clubber's Guide" compilation on. Most DJs are starting to use laptops now, and this is good, as for too long DJs have clung to vinyl like a toddler clings to a comfort blanket. Good, so long, that is that the DJ is doing something that makes use of the extra features and convenience that laptop DJing brings to the table. The last 3 times I've seen Pete Tong (Who's now using Ableton), I was almost bored to tears. He was doing nothing that you couldn't do 2 with 2 turntables. At the other end of the spectrum I've seen guys play the same loop all night. Because they can. There's a good reason why James Zabiela is one of the very few big-name DJs to come out of our generation (That didn't start out in production at least), and that's because he's one of the few people who are actually pushing what the technology can do, but at the same time, not losing sight of the fact that people go to a club to dance.

The only thing that really disappointed me about this series was the fact that there was no interview with Frankie Knuckles himself. How can you have a documentary on the history of House music, without having an interview with its godfather? Frankie is to House what James Brown is to Soul, what Elvis is to Rock, what... well, you get the idea. It just seems strange to me that they would intricately explore every aspect of the genre, and leave out the very thing that created it. That's like having the bible without Genesis. You can't just come in halfway though, or everyone's sat there going "Wha... so how did all these people get here, ay?"

Having said that though, the documentary has definitely confirmed some of the things I already thought about House, and given me some fresh ideas for my own tunes :) It makes me excited to think that we have so much new technology available to us to make these tracks now, I can't wait to see what the future of DJing has in store for us. It was also heartening to see that it wasn't just me that "Strings of Life" had such a profound effect on, it's amazing how one song can evoke so many different emotions all at the same time, and yet still have no lyrics!

Double Decker Bus

ROUND! BEHIND!

Oh my god, I never thought I'd make it through tonight. My first shift at Prohibition was fun, but sooo hectic. I did not stop rushing round like a blue arsed fly the entire night. The place was rammed. I think they were pretty impressed though, so hopefully I'll get another shift. When I ended the shift, all I wanted was a curry, a joint, a shag and bed. I managed the curry. I'm about to manage the bed. The shag I'll have to wait 3 weeks for. I hope Marisa realizes she's in grave danger when she arrives in England.

Naomi is desperate for me to come and work at the Hard Rock Cafe, but I think I'm going to have to turn her down - for a start, they only play rock music in there, and I think it would probably drive me spare, and secondly, there's a girl that works in there that looks just like Marisa, and at a time when I'm already missing her bucket loads, that would just be rubbing my face in it I fear.

Oh, and just to rub salt in it (so to speak), Naomi's doing a nuddie photoshoot with the Marisa look-alike in a week. It's like I've seen the pearly gates. Except they're actually just made of plastic and I'm not allowed in either way. So here's what I'm thinking... Marisa look-alike can transfer to the LA Hard Rock, and finish off Marisa's degree for her. In the meantime, Marisa can come here early, and fill in for look-alike at the photoshoot, thus fullfilling not only my desire for Marisa to be here right now, and to have legit nuddie pics of Naomi and Marisa together, but Marisa's desire to be here right now too, and I'm sure look-alike might want to see LA (although how she'd feel about finishing off a pre 20th century English lit. course, I'm uncertain, at best). It's a win win win "what do you mean you don't know anything about Chaucer?" situation.