Victimized by MySpace for being useful.

Why is it, that every time, without fail, I want to post a bulletin, MySpace is 'fixing them', yet other people have no problem posting 15 in a row telling me nothing more than the fact that they're bored?

Does MySpace have built-in usefulness filters - if something is deemed useful to anyone MySpace will block it?? How many times does mySpace need to 'fix' their bulletins? And why were they broken? Probably too many people posting that they were bored. Do you hear me?? If you're bored, and you're on MySpace, don't feel like you have to tell me. I don't care. Really. Here's some interesting alternatives to boredom bulleting you might want to consider (hey, I had to get a bulleted list in there somehow):

• Write a novel.
• Saw someone in half.
• Do naked handstands.

If you do any of these things, you have every right to bulletin me and tell me all about it (And in the case of the last one, if you're a good looking lass, you have my permission to send pictures as well), but unless you have something interesting to say, stay thy hand from ye poste buttone. It's stopping me telling everyone about my naked handstands.

Fuck it, I'm going to go poke someone on Facebook.

News just in: In addition to not letting me post bulletins, MySpace don't want me to write in my blog either. I think I swear too much or something. This is my new blog now. MySpace can go do illigal things with goats for all I care.

Impetus McDee and his magical performing odometer.

I saw on the telly the other day an interview with some random Brazilian guy, and this daft interviewer chap who didn't have a clue. Anyway, this came up:

Interviewer: blah blah blah blah blah
Brazilian Guy: blah blah
Interviewer: blah blah blah?
Brazilian Guy: blah blah.
Interviewer: hahaha. So Jeff. I've always wondered what Brazil Nuts are called in Brazil?
Brazilian Guy: Nuts.

Maybe the interviewer wasn't that daft after all - I've always wondered what they call Brazil Nuts in Brazil. He's just asking the questions that are relevant to today's socio-economic society as we know it. Hard hitting questions that strike home and that would bamboozle a politician sharper than a sharpened copy of Oscar Wilde's Big Book of Wit.

I mean, if you think about it, it stands to reason really, it's like the default nut in Brazil, so you don't need to call it anything else. Like the way that American Football is the default type of football in America, so they just call it Football. But not Footy. Never Footy.

So I got thinking about a couple of other things:

• Is a French Kiss in France just a Kiss?
  When you're just meeting someone for the first time do you go tongues deep in their throat and try and lick their digestive system? If you're a bit more intimate with someone do you give them a quick peck on the cheek?
• Is a Mexican Wave in Mexico just a Wave?
  I guess the same rules could apply: If you spy a Mexican across the room and want to descreetly acknowledge them, do you jump up and down and do the whole "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" thing? In that case does it work with just one person, or do you have to get as many people nearby as you can to stand in a line and do it before you'll be able to get the Mexican person's attention? Can you microwave a burrito in Mexico just by sticking it in a box and getting a load of midget Mexicans to keep doing the "Waaaayyyyyy" thing directed at the burrito for 30 seconds?
• Why was the Brazilian guy called Jeff?
  It just doesn't seem a very Brazilian name to me.

Usurping the Patagonian Health Service

One thing I'm really missing while being over here in the States is British advertising.

You might think that advertising in any old country is surely the same - it's comanies trying to persuade you to buy their shit. Nuh uh. Not true. Here's a comparison between an American washing up liquid advert, and a British one:

• American:
  Narrator - really deep voice, the kind that rattles cheap sub-woofers: Deep in a world where a dish's freedom is measured not by it's cleanliness but by it's godliness, how can you afford to use an inferior washing up liquid? 90% of people don't realize that using a cheap washing up liquid funds terrorism. That's why we designed ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH. Using all-American ingredients, we formulated a wash that's scientifically proven to be marginally better than using lukewarm water on its own. If you don't believe us, just listen to these real customers, who aren't actors...
  Crap Actor #1: I was perfectly happy with my washing up liquid, but when I found out that a couple of the ingredients are made in Europe, it made me sick to my bones. By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH I can be sure that I'm supporting America in all it's glory.
  Crap Actor #2: I was told that my old washing up liquid is used by sex-fiends at sex-festivals as lubricant. I was assured by ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH that it was endorsed by god himself, and was untouched by the hands of sex-fiends. That's something you can believe in.
  Crap Actor #3: By using ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH, I've lost 2,000lbs through loss of appetite.
  Narrator: But don't just take their word for it, try ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH Yourself, and see how you can achieve a sense of manly power and one-up-manship over your neighbor and everyone else you know. BUT WAIT! Buy now and we'll send you not just one bottle, but 2 FREE. How can we do this? By employing small black children in juvenile institutions in inner city project areas, we pass on the savings to YOU! That's right, our product is manufactured completely within the US, by US workers, keeping the CHEAP in FREEDOM. PLUS: Order within the next 10 minutes, and we'll send you 15 bottles of ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH for the price of one! WOW! ULTRA POWER MEGA FREEDOM WASH - because what are your dishes if they're not FREE??
  
• British:
  Fancy CGI graphics costing millions of pounds show the existentialism of washing up liquid and how it fits into modern Britain, to a soundtrack by Coldplay. Lives are saved, people with AIDS are cured, black and white images of the black death plague are seen retreating at speed across the English Channel, before being blasted into thousands of bubbles, each bubble designed by a famous modern artist, which in turn burst, revealing happy babies inside. Finally, the product is shown...
  Alan Davies Narrates: Use Frisk to clean your dishes. We like it, and we think you might too.
  

Happy People With Guns.

Are writers running out of ideas these days? Movie titles just seem to keep getting worse and worse. A few months ago, there was "Snakes on a Plane" - Let's explore that for a second. Great, it does exactly what it says on the tin, you know what you're gonna get when you go to the cinema - chances are, this movie involves some snakes juxtaposed to a plane. Amazing. Is this supposed to be some kind of touchy-feely metaphor for having some terrorists onboard? No. It's just snakes. On a plane. How do I know it's not a metaphor? You can't train a snake to fly a plane. They don't have opposable thumbs.

So then I see that they've released a new film called "Black Snake Moan" (look, I've nothing against snakes - even black ones, I'm like the least snakist person out there, but there's just a lot of retarded snake movies out there it seems). First of all, Snakes don't moan. They can moan about as well as they can fly planes. Why? No bloody vocal chords. Plus I have reservations about the size of snake lungs, even if a snake had vocal chords, the size of it's lungs would only allow it to squeak. There, I did it, I got all scientific on your ass. I'm sorry I had to do that. Fuck. I'm turning into Jeremy Clarkson.

Then I noticed that Justin Trousersnake is in this film. This guy seriously has some penis insecurities. He's clearly still trying to shake off those rumours from Britney, back in the day. I mean, first Dick in a Box, and now this?
dick in a box

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Justin, it's ok. Can you just go back to making cheesy music? The wedding DJs are running out of new tunes without you around...

Without me, you'd be an arsonist. And that's nothing to do with being gay.

Have you noticed how when your alarm goes off, and you hit snooze, even if you're really ready to get up, and there's absolutely no chance whatsoever of you going back to sleep, you won't get up again until that alarm goes off.

It's like a bloody raffle ticket. Nothing happens unless it's a 5 or a 0. If you wake up when the minute is a 1,2,3 or 4, fuck that, you're not getting up for kinky sex with Carmen Electra. But when that minute hits 5, noooooooooo problem, you're like a whirlwind of energy*.

*Or as much as anyone can be before lunchtime.

Crotch Fatigue

Oh by the way. Ben ate the last of the Cheerio's I was saving.

I made it through the day by eating a Pot Noodle, which Josh donated to the cause. He doesn't know it yet ;)

Thanks Josh. You made staving off death for another day possible. You're remarkable.

Cheese Flan, and His Parting Soliloquay

I've been wondering something all week. Perhaps just because most of my thoughts have been of food or food related.

OK, you know how shop dummys are supposed to be the 'ideal' size and shape and how we as consumers are supposed to feel insecure about our own size and conform to this 'ideal' size in an attempt to feel attractive?

Well.... do Big and Tall shops have giant, fat mannequins?

I'm just throwing that out there.

Surviving like a Refugee, Part II

Well, I'm still alive. Just. I figured that the best plan of survival last night was to curl up into a ball and try and go to sleep - that way I'm using as little energy as possible. My stomach has started making noises like a dolphin on acid. It's a little disturbing. My head has started to feel like rhinos are holding a knitting class inside it, and not in a good way.

So anyway, I'm lying there, being all energy efficient and stuff, trying to go to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about how ethical it would be to eat someone. Then Ben finally gets back.

"Oh Hi Fus, this is Erica"
"I don't care about that. Did you get some milk?"
"Dude, no I went and watched a basketball game in LA"

In any other circumstances, I'd be over the moon, but this is life or death here. I don't know what the longest anyone has survived on dry Cheerios for but I'm guessing probably only about an hour or so. Sensing that sleep wasn't all Ben & Erica had in mind (ie. because it was Ben, with a girl who had a pulse), I got ready to go sleep on the couch downstairs.

"Dude, it's ok, don't move, we're going straight to sleep"

So I tried curling back up into the HELP position and going back to sleep. After about 0.5 seconds I hear the unmistakable sounds of lips on lips. Just because I'm trying to stay alive doesn't mean that my last moments on Earth have to be socially awkward. I got up to go again, to the same protests from Ben, I was like "like I'm going to lie there while you two play tonsil tennis all night" - I mean, what does he want me to do, join in?

Anyway, Ben went to work this morning before I got chance to mention to pick up some milk again, but luckily, panic has been averted - Jess and Erica (The roomie, not the tonsil equivalent of Martina Hingis) came back and fed me Burritos. It's amazing how much easier to stand up it is without feeling faint after you've eaten :)

Nutrients without due care and intent.

You know how it is. You're stuck in a house 6 billion kilometres (miles) from the nearest shop (grocery store) with no car (automobile) to get you there. And there's no food in the house (edifice). Apart from Cheerios.

Not that I have anything against Cheerios, especially since they're honey Cheerios. But I don't have any milk (Lactaid). I just can't help feeling like I'm eating someone elses food if I eat them without milk. Anyway, it got to the point where I was so hungry I was thinking about eating stuff that's not strictly edible. I got bored of the toothpaste after half a tube, but found it went down easier when I used washed it down with water (Arrowhead) from the tap (faucet). Luckily, Cheerios are blessed to be fortified (strengthened) with between 6 and 7 vitamins (viyyyytamins), so if I eat these now hopefully there'll be at least enough sustinance (good shit) contained within to keep me going for a little bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. Then I'll start on the jacuzzi (hot tub) chemicals (good shit).

Imminent Biscuit Disaster.

I'd just like to draw your attention to a very real problem. A lot of of our many and varied valued friends in the States are unaware that elsewhere in the world, the culinary treats they call "cookies" are actually almost direct descentants from the english "biscuits".

However, don't let appearances fool you, they look nothing alike. If anyone would like to know the full list of differences between biscuits and their illigitimate retarded bastard 2nd cousins sons (twice removed) send a stamped, self-addressed pigeon to the Biscuit Appreciation Society Total American Awareness Division (BASTAAD), Los Angeles California, 90946.

But that's not why we're here. For a long time now, the English have treasured the McVities Digestive Biscuit as a true part of their heritage. With its rich, oaty, taste and unexplainable laxative powers over those suffering from constipation, the Digestive has long been a staple in the biscuit world.

Unfortunately though, it's days are numbered.

Due to increased competition from new contenders on the biscuit scene (the infamous Jacob's Smiley Faces being a noteable thorn in the Digestive's crown), McVities has decided to change the size and shape of the digestive, to make it more "trendy" and appeal to a new generation of biscuit eater and dunker alike. Whilst their intentions might seem perfectly benign, this decision has far-reaching consequences in the biscuit world, these effects will cascade down the biscuit heirarchy, eventually affecting even the cookie, causing chaos and panic around the world:..

1. Many people do not realize, but all other biscuits size is based on the McVities digestive. Behind closed doors in biscuit factories, a biscuit's size is measured as multiples of a digestive. Thus a Jammy Dodger is 0.6md and a standard American cookie (all other states besides Texas) 1.2md. Changing the standard means that all other biscuits will have to follow suit. This increased size will  mean that supermarket shelves will simultaneously look over-stocked whilst they are, in fact carrying less produce. Because of this, less people will be able to purchase biscuits before the shelves become empty. Empty shelves is bad for business, and many fear that most of the larger supermarket chain stores will close their doors within 2-3 weeks for this very reason.
2. Currently, digestives are made by underage dwarves in third world countries, who work for the scraps of food that sweatshop children leave on their plate (Because their mothers never told them to eat their greens). The larger size will mean that not only will these dwarf workers lose their jobs to real people because they will be unable to handle the bigger biscuits, but the biscuits will become more expensive as a direct result of this. Remember: hiring underage dwarves in third world countries means that McVities can pass on the savings to YOU!
3. By changing the standard size of biscuits, all biscuit recipes will simultaneously change proportions, meaning that old people (who need to bake biscuits in order to survive) will start baking "duff batches" all over the world. These inedible monstrosities are low in the nutrients that old people need to survive the test of time, and many diabetic sufferers could find themselves slipping into an insulin-induced coma whilst on their electric buggies - causing road traffic accidents in OAP residential areas around the world.

From here on in, it's only a matter of time before society as we know it collapses around our very ears. If we act now we can save the McVities Digestive, and with it, our lives, homes, and freedom (along with old people, third world dwarves, and constipation sufferers worldwide). Educate the youth of today about biscuits, and perhaps we can live in a safer tomorrow.